A Live Coal in the Sea Part 30

Mom took me right to the office. I mean, she knew I'd broken it, the bone was actually sticking out, it was horrible."

Camilla shuddered. "I remember."

"Mom was wonderful, promising me it was going to be all right, and not all falling to pieces herself, which some mothers might have done."

"Yes, your mother's a wonder."

"It was my right wrist, and of course I'm righthanded." "You learned to write with your left hand."

"I still can, when I want to. Anyhow, Dr. Liz was away, and Dr. Andy was there and he took care of me. He was so gentle, so calm, he even got me laughing. I was scared, really scared, to see my actual bone. And he was so matter-of-fact, and his hands seemed to take away the pain. I remember burrowing my face in his white coat, and having him put his arms around me, and at the same time he was so quick.

And Mom, despite her calm-I think she was as scared as I wasand he was wonderful with her, too, making her know everything was going to be all right. I suppose he makes everybody feel special, one of my friends had a terrific crush on him, but he really did make me feel special. As though he really cared."

Camilla replied slowly. "I think that's part of his job, what makes him such a good doctor."

"Yeah, but it seemed to me more than that. He went to the hospital with us, and stayed with me." She held up her wrist. "See? There's still a tiny scar. I suppose Dr. Liz would have been just as good, but it happened to be Dr. Andy.

And then when I went home what I remember is being read to. Dad read to me from a book of funny poems and there was something about an elephant who tried to use a telephant. Anyhow, he had me laughing my head off. And later, when I couldn't sleep, you read to me, one oAunt Frankie's books, and then Jack A Live Coal in the Sea > >265.

and Jill, and a sledding accident, and Jill was really hurt, and it made me feel better and I went to sleep. So it really isn't a bad memory. It's more good than bad."

"I'm glad. I'll certainly never forget it."

"And Aunt Frankie called me from Seattle, just me, personally. I wish she didn't live all the way across the country in Seattle."

"So do L" Camilla's mouth tightened briefly. As she had lost Rafferty as a father when Taxi came, so, in a sense, had she lost Frankie. Frankie, who had had the wisdom to get out of the way. Not to run away. Not to walk out. Just to get out of the way so that she could have her own life.

Raffi was sprawled out on one of the sofas in front of the fire, which she had built up. "Last,week, after your award bash, which was so terrific, Dad laughed at some of Aunt Frankie's marvelous kids' books."

"Lots of people think kids' books don't count, and Taxi seems to be in a putting-down mode right now."

"Did you do psychiatrists for my dad and all that stuffy" "Yes, Luisa was very helpful, recommending good doctors. But a psychic wound isn't like an inflamed appendix. You can't open the body and cut it out.""Surgery on the soul. Why didn't you send him to Dr. Rowan?"

"She's much too close, Raffi, like a member of the family." "Yeah, I had to talk her into it. Seeing me." She looked warily at her grandmother. "Do you mind?"

"Anything but. I'm delighted. Has she helped?"

"Has helped. Is helping. I guess she's pretty important, isn't she? She keeps being called away on consultations and meetings and stuff."

"Lu's a good doctor."

"Grandmother, does my mom know all this, what you've told me about Taxi being taken away from you for three years and all?"

Madeleine L Engle > >266.

A Live Coal in the Sea,267 "So," Frankie asked, "we had to settle for a prosthesis?"

"Yes."

"I remember you took us to the beach, with Aunt Luisa, and later just us."

"For spring vacation. Yes."

"Dad wasn't with us. Where was he?"

Away. He had been asked to give a series of talks in California, and he went.

'I hate to leave,' he said, 'but these talks are important enough to be published. I've had only a couple of articles accepted recently, and you know all the publish-or-perish stuff. I'll be gone only a couple of weeks. You can manage for that long, can't you? Things seem pretty stable.'

'Sure.' Everything Mac said was reasonable, comprehensible. But she didn't want him to go.

The seminary community was as curious and gossipy as a small parish in Georgia.

People stared at Taxi. Whispered. Stole covert looks whenever Camilla appeared with the children.

Art was retired, and he and Olivia were living at the beach. While Mac was away the children were better off in Florida with their grandparents than at the seminary.

'It's all right.' Camilla sat with Olivia and Art on the veranda, resting her eyes on the ocean. The children were asleep upstairs, in beds that were familiar, in a room that was their own, in a beach house they loved. 'We all have a breaking point, and when Mac leaves, it's not forever. He always comes back.'

'Not everyone would be as forgiving as you are,' Olivia said.

Camilla mouthed back everything Mac had said to her. Then, 'Oh, Mama.' A slow shiver moved through her body. 'I get angry. I feel betrayed. If you and Papa weren't always "Yes. She knows. Your mom and I've talked a good deal. Thessaly's a very compa.s.sionate person."

"Maybe that says something about why she hasn't left my dad, long ago. But why didn't they tell me?"

"Your father was very deeply hurt. He made it clear he didn't want to talk about it. I think that was probably a mistake. Your Aunt Frankie thinks it was. I don't know, Raffi. We do wrong, with all the best will in the world. And sometimes we do right without even knowing it."

"How much do you think my mom can take?"

"We don't know anybody's breaking point. But I don't think she's going to leave.

She loves your father."

Raffi rolled onto her back. "So do I. I wish all this made me feel better.""Give it time, Raffi."

When Raffi had gone Camilla called Frankie. Frankie was secure enough now so that Camilla felt freer with her than she had when Frankie had first married and moved to Seattle. "I've been talking with Raffi again. Telling her."

"Good. You know how I've felt about all this secrecy." "I know. It's so complex.

Red and Harriet tried to change his name. They called him Tommy. Tommy Grange.

He had forgotten he was Taxi."

"I'd forgotten that." "You were only a child."

"I remember it now. I wonder why I blanked it out?" "When he referred to himself as Tommy you shouted, 'Taxi! Taxi! You're my Taxi!' And that was that. More or less. His doctor advised us to call him Taxi, that it would help bring him back into the family."

"Did it, Mom?"

"When Taxi was taken away it was like-it was like an amputation. Something of the original Taxi was amputated."

Madeleine L'Engle268 here to put my pieces back together, I don't know what I'd do.' 'And yet'-Art rubbed his hands slowly across his face 'it was I who caused Mac's breaking point. For an eight-yearold to walk into church and see his father and-'

'Stop,' Olivia commanded. 'This does no good.'

Camilla said, 'You've taught me, you two and Mac, that I can't blame my own fears and problems on my parents. I have some say in how I behave. By and large, Mac's done pretty well. He's a brilliant teacher. His students adore him.

He's written a couple of wonderful articles, and he's right, he does need to do a book. What he emphasizes most is mercy, the kind you talked about, Mama, William Langland's. We have to be merciful to ourselves before we can be merciful to anybody else.' Then she laughed, harshly, like a seagull. 'I still do not feel very merciful toward Grange or Harriet.'

'Or Grange's ex-wife, for not having given him your mother's letter?'

Camilla leapt up as she heard Taxi scream. She ran into the house, letting the screened door slam behind her, and went up the stairs two at a time. Taxi was sitting up in bed, his eyes closed, screaming. Frankie was struggling out of sleep. Camilla sat down by Taxi and held him tight, pressing his thin body against hers, and the screams stopped.

Frankie said calmly, 'Taxi had a nightmare.'

'I know, darling,' Camilla said. 'He's over it now. Go back to sleep.' Her body moved rhythmically, rocking Taxi. 'Where you bin, Mommy?' he asked.

'Sitting on the porch with Mama and Papa.' 'Are you coming to bed soon?'

'Very soon.' She gently put Taxi down in the bed, covering him with the sheet and a light cotton blanket. If she got to him in time he did not fully wake up, and he would not re member the nightmare in the morning. She did not know whether or not this oblivion was the best thing for him. What good would it do him to remember whatever horror his sleep A Live Coal in the Sea,269 ing brain was showing him? Grange and Harriet had not actively abused him.

The nurse they had for him had told Camilla and Mac that the boy was thin because they had a hard time finding food he would or could eat. They lavished attention on him when they were with him. And presents. Toys, expensive toys. They did not discipline him, the nurse said. That was left to her, and it was apparent that the Granges wanted as little as possible. Mrs. Grange had talked about letting children express themselves, not repressing them. The nurse, herself, did not like a whiny child.

'I'm the fourth to have this job,' she said. 'I learned quickly that if I wanted to keep it I had to be softer with Tommy than I thought was good for him.'

Frankie said, 'Mommy-' 'Yes, darling?'

'Sometimes Taxi doesn't hear when I call him. Then if I say Tommy he hears, but he gets mad at me.'

'It's difficult to have your name changed.' Camilla kept her voice level.

'Why did they call him Tommy?'

'Perhaps they thought Tommy was an easier name.' 'Taxi's easy.'

'For us, because that's how we've always known him.' 'Mommy, he gets so mad, so mad. He hurts me.'

Camilla moved from Taxi's bed to Frankie's, took the little girl in her arms.

'I.

know. It's hard to understand. But when he feels secure again, he won't lose control of himself.'

When would he feel secure?, Mac returned, and Camilla and the children flew back to New York.

Mac put his arms around her as they were undressing, getting ready for bed.

'I'm sorry.'

For a moment she stiffened in his arms. He had never apologized before.

Madeleine L'Engle,170 'Darling, darling, I'm so sorry. I left you. I walked out on it all and left you. I'm not strong. I don't know how I'm going to manage.'

Now her arms were around him, too. 'We have to take it day by day.'

'He's so changed. He's not our son.' 'Yes. He is. No matter what happens.'

'He's your brother.'

'I'm his mother.'

'You're blood relations. I can't stand what he's doing to us, to Frankie.'

'I can't stand it either. But we have to.'

'Oh, G.o.d,' Mac moaned, 'why do I think it ought to be easy? Why do I think everything ought to be all right?V 'Because that's what we all want.'

'But that isn't how life is. I know that. I preach that. No promises of rewards if we're good, or punishments if we're bad. No promises, except that it matters.

Cosmically.'

They sat on the side of the bed, still holding each other. 'Cosmically,'

Camilla agreed, 'to the stars in their courses.' 'The stars aren't very communicative about it,' Mac said, and pulled her down onto the bed.

'The one time I would like a cigarette,' he said later, 'is now.'

'I didn't know you ever smoked.' 'For a while. Long ago. Did you?' 'Smoke? No.

I.

didn't like it.''Darling, you're incredible, the way you just keep going and don't let it get you down.'

It got her down.

One day she came home from NYU and went out to the playground to collect the children. They were on the seesaw, and a slightly older child said, 'My turn next.'

'Okay,' Frankie said.

A Live Coal in the Sea,271 'So what's your name?V 'I'm Frankie. Frankie Xanthakos. He's Taxi.' 'Taxi Grange?' the older child asked.

Taxi brought his end of the seesaw down to the ground with a bang, and jumped off, so that Frankie's end, in turn, hit the ground. He rushed at the other child. 'I'm Taxi Xanthakos! Never call me Grange or I'll kill you!'

The older child backed away. 'I'm sorry, my dad told me your name was Grange-'

Frankie, trying to smooth things over, said, 'It was, for a while, when he was with his other father.'

'No, no!' Taxi shrieked. 'Daddy is my father. I'm Taxi Xanthakos! You shut up!