A Learned Dissertation on Dumpling (1726) Part 2

In short, There is nothing valuable in Nature, but what, more or less, has an Allusion to Pudding or Dumpling. Why then should they be held in Disesteem?

Why should Dumpling-Eating be ridicul'd, or Dumpling-Eaters derided? Is it not Pleasant and Profitable? Is it not Ancient and Honourable? Kings, Princes, and Potentates have in all Ages been Lovers of Pudding. Is it not therefore of Royal Authority?

Popes, Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons have, Time out of Mind, been great Pudding-Eaters: Is it not therefore a Holy and Religious Inst.i.tution?

Philosophers, Poets, and Learned Men in all Faculties, Judges, Privy-Councellors, and Members of both Houses, have, by their great Regard to Pudding, given a Sanction to it that nothing can efface. Is it not therefore Ancient, Honourable, and Commendable?

_Quare itaque fremuerunt Auctores?_

Why do therefore the Enemies of good Eating, the Starve-gutted Authors of Grub-street, employ their impotent Pens against Pudding and Pudding-headed, _alias_ Honest Men? Why do they inveigh against Dumpling-Eating which is the Life and Soul of Good-fellowship, and Dumpling-Eaters who are the Ornaments of Civil Society.

But, alas! their Malice is their own Punishment. The Hireling Author of a late scandalous Libel, int.i.tuled, _The Dumpling-Eaters Downfall_, may, if he has any Eyes, now see his Error, in attacking so Numerous, so August a Body of People: His Books remain Unsold, Unread, Unregarded; while this Treatise of Mine shall be Bought by all who love Pudding or Dumpling; to my Bookseller's great Joy, and my no small Consolation.

How shall I Triumph, and how will that Mercenary Scribbler be Mortify'd, when I have sold more Editions of my Books, than he has Copies of his! I therefore exhort all People, Gentle and Simple, Men, Women and Children, to Buy, to Read, to Extol these Labours of Mine, for the Honour of Dumpling-Eating. Let them not fear to defend every Article; for I will bear them Harmless: I have Arguments good store, and can easily Confute, either Logically, Theologically, or Metaphysically, all those who dare Oppose me.

Let not _Englishmen_ therefore be asham'd of the Name of _Pudding-Eaters_; but, on the contrary, let it be their Glory. For let Foreigners cry out ne'er so much against Good Eating, they come easily into it when they have been a little while in our _Land of Canaan_; and there are very few Foreigners among as who have not learn'd to make as great a Hole in a good Pudding or Sirloin of Beef as the best _Englishman_ of us all.

Why shou'd we then be Laught out of Pudding and Dumpling? or why Ridicul'd out of Good Living? Plots and Politics may hurt us, but Pudding cannot. Let us therefore adhere to Pudding, and keep our selves out of Harm's Way; according to the Golden Rule laid down by a celebrated Dumpling-Eater now defunct;

_Be of your Patron's Mind, whate'er he says: Sleep very much; Think little, and Talk less: Mind neither Good nor Bad, nor Right nor Wrong; But Eat your Pudding, Fool, and Hold your Tongue._ PRIOR.

The Author of these excellent Lines not only shews his Wisdom, but his Good-Breeding, and great Esteem for the Memory of Sir _John_, by giving his _Poem_ the t.i.tle of _Merry Andrew_, and making _Merry Andrew_ the princ.i.p.al Spokesman: For if I guess aright, and surely I guess not wrong, his main Design was, to ascertain the Name of _Merry Andrew_ to the _Fool_ of a Droll, and to subst.i.tute it instead of _Jack Pudding_; which Name my Friend _Matt._ cou'd not hear with Temper, as carrying with it an oblique Reflection on Sir _John Pudding_ the Hero of this DUMPLEID.

Let all those therefore who have any Regard to Politeness and Propriety of Speech, take heed how they Err against this Rule laid down by him who was the Standard of _English_ Elegance. And be it known to all whom it may concern, That if any Person whatever shall dare hereafter to apply the Name of _Jack Pudding_ to _Merry Andrews_ and such-like Creatures, I hereby Require and Impower any Stander or Standers by, to Knock him, her, or them down. And if any Action or Actions of a.s.sault and Battery shall be brought against any Person or Persons so acting in pursuance of this most reasonable Request, by Knocking down, Bruising, Beating, or otherwise Demolishing such Offenders; I will Indemnify and bear them Harmless.

_FINIS._

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_Namby Pamby_:

or,

A PANEGYRIC on the New VERSIFICATION Address'd to _A---- P----_ Esq;

_Nauty Pauty _Jack-a-Dandy_ Stole a Piece of Sugar-Candy From the Grocer's Shoppy-shop, And away did Hoppy-hop._

All ye Poets of the Age, All ye Witlings of the Stage, Learn your Jingles to reform; Crop your Numbers, and conform: Let your little Verses flow Gently, sweetly, Row by Row: Let the Verse the Subject fit; Little Subject, Little Wit: _Namby Pamby_ is your Guide; _Albion_'s Joy, _Hibernia_'s Pride.

_Namby Pamby Pilli-pis_, Rhimy pim'd on Missy-Miss; _Tartaretta Tartaree_ From the Navel to the Knee; That her Father's Gracy-Grace Might give him a Placy-Place.

He no longer writes of Mammy _Andromache_ and her Lammy Hanging panging at the Breast Of a Matron most distrest.

Now the Venal Poet sings Baby Clouts, and Baby Things, Baby Dolls, and Baby Houses, Little Misses, Little Spouses; Little Play-Things, Little Toys, Little Girls, and Little Boys: As an Actor does his Part, So the Nurses get by Heart _Namby Pamby_'s Little Rhimes, Little Jingle, Little Chimes, To repeat to Little Miss, Piddling Ponds of p.i.s.sy-p.i.s.s; Cacking packing like a Lady, Or Bye-bying in the Crady.

_Namby Pamby_ ne'er will die While the Nurse sings _Lullabye_.

_Namby Pamby_'s doubly Mild, Once a Man, and twice a Child; To his Hanging-Sleeves restor'd; Now he foots it like a Lord; Now he Pumps his little Wits; } Sh--ing Writes, and Writing Sh--s, } All by little tiny Bits. } Now methinks I hear him say, } _Boys and Girls, Come out to Play, } Moon do's shine as bright as Day._ } Now my _Namby Pamby_'s found Sitting on the _Friar's Ground_, _Picking Silver, picking Gold_, _Namby Pamby_'s never Old.

_Bally-Cally_ they begin, _Namby Pamby_ still keeps-in.

_Namby Pamby_ is no Clown, _London-Bridge is broken down_: Now he _courts the gay Ladee, Dancing o'er the Lady-Lee_: Now he sings of _Lick-spit Liar Burning in the Brimstone Fire; Lyar, Lyar, Lick-spit, lick, Turn about the Candle-stick_: Now he sings of _Jacky Horner_ _Sitting in the Chimney corner, Eating of a Christmas-Pie, Putting in his Thumb, _Oh, fie!_ Putting in, _Oh, fie!_ his Thumb, Pulling out, _Oh, strange!_ a Plum._ And again, how _Nancy c.o.c.k_, Nasty Girl! _besh-t her Smock_.

Now he acts the _Grenadier_, Calling for _a Pot of Beer_: _Where's his Money? He's forgot; Get him gone, a Drunken Sot._ Now on _c.o.c.k-horse_ does he ride; And anon on Timber stride.

_See-and-Saw and Sacch'ry down, London is a gallant Town._ Now he gathers Riches in Thicker, faster, Pin by Pin; _Pins a-piece to see his Show_; Boys and Girls flock Row by Row; From their Cloaths the Pins they take, Risque a Whipping for his sake; From their Frocks the Pins they pull, To fill _Namby_'s Cushion full.

So much Wit at such an Age, Does a Genius great presage.

Second Childhood gone and past, Shou'd he prove a Man at last, What must Second Manhood be, In a Child so Bright as he!

Guard him, ye Poetic Powers; Watch his Minutes, watch his Hours: Let your Tuneful _Nine_ Inspire him; Let Poetic Fury fire him: Let the Poets one and all To his Genius Victims fall.

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The Antiquities of _Grub-street_:

With OBSERVATIONS Critical, Political, Historical, Chronological, Philosophical, and Philological.

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