A Kind Of Madness Part 14

As the thought formed, she frowned suddenly, remembering an incident from their first meeting, from that summer when her aunt had first introduced him to the family. She had rejected all his overtures of friendship, she remembered; she had felt as though he was patronising her and she had resented it resented him resented the fact that her parents had treated him as an adult while they were still treating her as a child, and that had been like gall to her fourteen-year-old emergent pride. Then too she had considered him an outsider only then she had vocalised her resentment, and had received a lecture from her parents for her pains.

"Pretty basic, I'm afraid," she heard Carter saying cheerfully as he brought a bowl of crisp lettuce over to the table, 'but I doubt you'd find anything that tastes as good in any of your fancy London restaurants. "

Elspeth suspected he was probably right, but in stead of agreeing with him she said contrarily, "You'd be surprised. All good restaurants these days are conscious of their clientele's desire for healthier eating."

Carter shrugged as though the subject no longer interested him, indicating the table with its clean cloth and her mother's blue and white china.

"Come and sit down," he instructed her.

Elspeth saw that in addition to the lettuce and other home-grown salad ingredients, including some deliciously mouthwatering-smelling tomatoes, there was some of her mother's home-cured ham, the bread which she baked every week and a large bowl of fresh fruit.

"Your parents don't have the s.p.a.ce for much fruit," Carter told her, seeing her eyeing the fruit, 'but if I succeed at auction I'm hoping lo experiment with fruit under gla.s.s. "

"Won't that be very expensive?" Elspeth challenged.

"Mmm. But when I left the inst.i.tute they gave me a generous pay-off.

Banks are mush more lenient these days about lending money to small businesses. With the vegetable side to cary me, I can afford to take a small risk. "

Especially if he already had the benefit of her parents' business, Elspeth thought bitterly, as he pulled out a chair for her. For a moment she was tempted to ignore it and walk round to the other side of the table, but to do so would be churlish and non-productive. If she really wanted to find out what he was planning, it would be far easier if he didn't realise how suspicious of him she was.

He was so different from Peter, she reflected as she sat down. Peter would never have prepared a meal like this, nor taken it as a matter of course that he should do so, and Peter would certainly never have sat down to eat wearing only a pair of worn jeans.

She was sitting so close to him that it was impossible for her not to be aware of the fresh, clean scent of his skin. She recognised the distinctive smell of the Pears soap her mother always used, but mingled with it was the elusive and very disturbing fragrance that was his alone. It took on an erotic and dangerous allure that made her wish that she was sitting further away from him.

Unlike her, Carter seemed totally undisturbed by any such awareness.

He might just as well have been fully dressed rather than virtually naked, she reflected angrily, wishing she had the courage to put a little more distance between them. It was totally ridiculous, but the harder she tried to ignore her awareness of him, the more intense it became, until her shoulders and back were tight with tension, and she was fighting not to look at him. What was it about this particular man that made it such a wanton pleasure merely to absorb visually the physical reality of him? But she didn't merely want to look at him, she recognised on a tiny shiver. She wanted to reach out and touch him. She wanted. What on earth was happening to her? she wondered miserably, doggedly trying to concentrate on the food on her plate.

She was so deeply engrossed in her own bewildering emotions that it was doubly unnerving to hear Jasper suddenly say mournfully, in a very creditable impersonation of her father's slow tones, "Pity about Elspeth... She needs a good man."

Horrified, Elspeth stared transfixed at the wretched bird, clenching her hands so that she couldn't give in to the unbearable temptation to get up and wring its neck. At the same time, she was conscious of the slow burn of colour heating her skin as anger and embarra.s.sment filled her with equal intensity.

It was one thing to know in her most secret heart that her parents, while accepting her choice of Peter, could quite genuinely not understand what attracted her to him--it was quite another to have that appalling parrot voice their doubts in front of Carter.

For what seemed like an endless stretch of time she waited with pent-up breath and feelings for him to make some mocking comment, and then, when she realised that he wasn't going to do sci, that he was diplomatically going to pretend that Jasper had never uttered those betraying words, instead of being relieved, grateful to him for his tact, all she felt was a growing, choking rage, which exploded forcefully inside her, making her stand up abruptly, pushing her chair back with a rough, sc.r.a.ping sound, her voice shaking with temper and pain as she said bitterly, "Why don't you go ahead and laugh? I'm sure you want to--but / happen to love Peter and he loves me."

She stopped abruptly, knowing that if she said any more she was liable to burst into tears. What was the matter with her, why did she feel this need to justify herself, her relationship with Peter, and to this man who meant nothing to her, had no place in her life? Had he been there while her parents were discussing Peter? Had he been privy to their doubts and concern? It hurt her more than she could bear to think that he had. It was almost as though it was a kind of betrayal.

"Look, Elspeth..."

Was that pity she could hear in his voice? Her body stiffened as she rejected the hand he was placing on her arm.

"Don't touch me," she demanded chokily.

"And in future perhaps you'd be good enough to refrain from wandering around half naked."

She saw his face change, his eyebrows lifting, something almost approaching amus.e.m.e.nt lightening his eyes.

"Oh, come on. You aren't trying to tell me that you aren't used to the sight of a bare male chest. After all, you and Peter are virtually engaged."

"That's different," Elspeth told him fiercely, 'and besides, contrary to what you seem to imagine, Peter and I are not--' She stopped abruptly, her face suddenly bright with colour.

"Go on," Carter encouraged, marvellously selfa.s.sured where she suddenly felt as gauche and miserable as a child.

"You and Peter aren't what?"

"Nothing," Elspeth said stubbornly.

"You aren't lovers, is that what you were going to say?" he pressed, ignoring her.

Suddenly it was all too much for her. She had never experienced so many contradictory and seesawing emotions in such a short s.p.a.ce of time. Never had her ideals, her beliefs, her feelings been challenged so thoroughly nor so frighteningly, never had she felt them slip away so far cut of her own control.

"There's no need to sound so amused," she told him bitterly.

"Not all men are obsessed with s.e.x. There are other equally important aspects;

to relationships. "

"I agree that s.e.x on its own is never a good basis on which to form a good relationship, bu; there is a difference between being obsessed with s.e.x and not having any interest in it at all. If ]'. were a woman I think I should be a little concerned at the thought of committing myself to life with a man who seemed not to find me s.e.xually desirable."

Elspeth felt the breath leak out of her lungs on a painful sob. How dared he say that? How dared he suggest that Peter didn't want her?

And yet-and yet--wasn't it what she had sometimes said to herself alone and awake at night, wondering a little uncomfortably why it was that Peter should be so content to say goodnight with nothing more than a chaste and hasty kiss, and why she herself should feel something almost approaching relief that he should be? She had thought then that it was because she herself must only have a low s.e.x-drive, that she and Peter were both victims of the modern disease of overwork. And yet when Carter had kissed her in that brief, illuminating s.p.a.ce of time, she had recognised and felt all those things, all those emotions, all those needs and desires, which she had been telling herself it was impossible for her to feel. Too late now to wish she had never gained that knowledge, that she had remained safe in her illusion that she was incapable of feeling such desire.

Now she went white with pain as she lied desperately, "Peter does want me. He's... He's just too much of a gentleman to--to force me into--into something I'm not ready for."

Carter gave her a brief, hard look.

"So you're the one who doesn't want him. And you still intend to marry him. Why?"

Elspeth was literally trembling now, not just with anger, but with anguish as well. How dared he challenge her like this, talk to her like this. hurt her like this?

"I don't think that's any of your business," she told him fiercely, 'and now, if you don't mind. "

She started to turn away, but he caught hold of her, stopping her, swinging her back round to face him.

"Oh, but I do mind," he told her grittily.

"And I want to know why, when you become all woman in my arms, when you respond so pa.s.sionately to my kiss, you're going to marry a man wha you've just admitted can't turn you on."

Elspeth went rigid with shock at the brutality of his verbal attack, totally unable to hide her reaction nor to silence the immediate denial that choked from her throat.

"I thought you were Peter, she lied desperately.

"I didn't want you at all."

"Is that a fact?"