A Hundred Thousand Words Part 19

"Are you going home this summer?" I ask.

"Yeah, in a couple weeks. I'm going to spend some time with Gem's family first."

"Can we meet up when you get home? I won't be there all summer, but some of it."

"No s.h.i.t. You owe me more of an explanation, and to hang out because you ditched me to screw my brother, apparently." There's a rustling sound on the other end of the phone and then Chris adds, "On the real though, of course. You're my boy. I love you."

"I love you too, man." Some of the weight in my chest dissolves. One down, one to go.

"Now go sweep my brother off his feet or whatever the f.u.c.k it is you guys do."

"He could have moved on."

"You'll never know till you try, will you?" And then Chris hangs up.

This sudden urgent, wild need claws at me. My muscles spasm, little jolts of electricity shooting through them, propelling me from the bed, through the apartment and out the door.

I don't stop until I get to the Baby Bullet train station.

Address??? I text Chris.

Jesus, I don't even know where Levi lives. I was a s.h.i.tty boyfriend. He deserves so much better than the way I treated him.

Chris sends the information back almost immediately. The thirty-seven minutes it takes the train to get to Palo Alto drags. I've waited weeks and now I'm going to burst at the f.u.c.king seams if I don't talk to Levi right now.

Once off the train, it takes another five minutes for an Uber car to pick me up. I give them Levi's address and it feels like one of those lame-a.s.s movies where some dude is paying a cab to hurry and get him to his lover before they jump on a plane to leave forever.

Only I don't know if Levi's going anywhere. I don't even know if he still wants me, but I sure as f.u.c.k still want him.

His apartment complex is a million times nicer than the one Xavier and I live in. My heart's in my throat as I make my way to his door, no d.a.m.n clue what I'm going to say when I get there.

And then I'm knocking and I hear his scratchy voice call out, "Just a sec!"

I'm fidgeting and breathing heavy and being way too over dramatic, but at this point, I don't care.

He pulls open the door, his eyes landing squarely on me. He has a T-shirt on that's tight across his chest, and his brown hair is hanging down on his forehead like always. He's f.u.c.king beautiful.

"Hey." Hey? All I can say is hey?

"Hey."

"Can I come in?"

Levi shrugs. "Sure." Then he turns around, leaving the door open. I follow him, closing it behind us, and watch as he sits on the couch.

"Nice place." The walls are crisp and clean, the carpet nice. The furniture looks new, but there's also boxes scattered around the room. On the shelf to the far right sits one thing-the owl he bought when we went to the pier. "Going somewhere?"

"Maybe."

"Home for the summer?"

"Nope. Moving. I can't afford this place anymore." Oh s.h.i.t. That can't be good.

"I'm sorry." I take a step toward him but Levi's eyes narrow, reminding me I lost the right to touch him, to comfort him.

"What are you doing here, Toby?" He stretches out his long legs casually, making panic shoot through me. Making guilt eat at me as well. How many times did I ask him the same kind of question? It doesn't feel good being on the other end of it.

"I'm here to tell you I'm sorry." I take a step closer, can't seem to force myself to keep away. "I'm here because I missed you. I missed you since the day I forced you to walk away from me."

"Then why did you do it? Why the h.e.l.l couldn't you just admit you f.u.c.king want me?" His voice rides the air, vibrating through me, leaving shame in its wake.

"Because I screwed up. Because I was scared. I know those are s.h.i.tty excuses, but they're true."

"And I wasn't scared?" Levi's body jerks forward so he's sitting up straight. "I was out-of-my-f.u.c.king-mind afraid, but I was there. I had a million other things in my head, but I was still f.u.c.king in it, Tobias. One hundred and ten percent. I was patient and I waited and tried not to push you. I can't wait anymore. Can't wait to live my life."

He's right. He's so f.u.c.king right. No one should have to wait for someone else to be happy. He shouldn't be in school for something he's unsure about, and he definitely doesn't need to wait for me.

And I can't put off saying things that need to be said, either. "She was supposed to pick me up from school the day she left. She never showed. I walked home, stayed there, scared all night. She made me a f.u.c.king sandwich that morning like it was any other day and then I just never saw her again."

He closes his eyes, pain obvious in his tense features, but I don't stop there. Can't. I tell him everything. I tell him about crying on the couch that night. My dad losing himself more and more. Feeing alone, the fear of being left. I tell him about the letter Dad wrote and the conversations we've had since. Shoving my hands into my pockets and watching him, I tell him about her stints in rehab they tried to hide from me. How I maybe blocked some s.h.i.t out.

Levi's quiet, listening, his features getting softer by the second. He's so f.u.c.king beautiful and I wish with all my heart that I could crawl inside him and live there.

Finally after spilling my guts so long my throat's dry and my legs hurt from standing up, I say, "I'm not the only one though, Levi. Most of the problems with us are my fault, but you have things to work out, too."

For the first time since I walked into his place, a smile cracks on his face. "Do I now?"

I risk another step closer to him, then another. He's still sitting down, legs out as he leans against the back of the couch.

"You gotta be happy," I tell him. "We both have to be happy in our lives if we're going to be happy together...not that you said you want to be together, but I do, so I'm pushing for that." I wink at him. "I like to get my way the same as you." He gives me another small smile, but I can see he's trying to hide it. I keep talking. "You didn't give up on me before and I'm not giving up on you now. I f.u.c.ked up. I treated you like s.h.i.t. You deserved better, but I'm telling you right now it wasn't because I don't want you. I'm crazy in love with you, Levi, and that scares the s.h.i.t out of me. I thought if I didn't put myself out there, I couldn't get hurt, but even if I do-" I shrug. "-you're worth it."

This time, he doesn't try to hide the grin that stretches across his face. "That was a good speech."

"Yeah?" I ask. "I have more. Dad and I have been talking, really f.u.c.king talking. I talked to the counselor at the school as well. I'm still a work in progress, but I want to put in that work with you, Levi. I was afraid to give you my words before, but I'm not scared anymore. I'll give you a hundred thousand words every day if that's what it takes to get you back. I love you."

"Get your a.s.s over here, Tobias." The rest of the tension in my chest is gone, leaving nothing left but him. I do as he says and finish closing the s.p.a.ce between us. I straddle his lap and he wraps his arms around me. All my life I wanted something to love. I thought I would find it someplace or somewhere, but not in another person because people can leave. But I thought wrong. I found love in Levi.

"You hurt me," he says. "Jesus, you hurt me."

Closing my eyes, I pull him tight against me. He buries his face in my neck. "I know. I'm sorry. I'm so f.u.c.king sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you. I'll make it up to you."

"Just be here. That's all you gotta do. I love you, too...and thank you."

Pushing his hair out of his face, I kiss his temple. "Digging the I love you, and even the thank you, but not sure what you have to thank me for."

"For time, I guess. I needed it, too. For coming back, for making me see that it's okay to fail...to screw up."

"Because I did that so spectacularly?" I ask.

"Maybe. I just... You made me happy. I wanted to hold onto that. I was f.u.c.ked when I felt like you chose Chris over me, that you'd never really choose me. I came back here and I kept thinking of you and that stupid f.u.c.king play. How Jack and Algernon made up these fake personas, and that's what I was doing. I was tired of living that way. I talked to Chris, then my parents. They know it all-the anxiety, my fear, the fact that I'm not sure who in the f.u.c.k I am."

"Maybe you're not just one thing. Do we really have to be just one thing? Do you really have to know right now?" We're f.u.c.king young. We have our whole lives ahead of us. Why do society and our parents make us think we have to have all the answers right now?

"Shh." He presses his finger to my lips. "I'm getting there. I realized the same thing. I'm taking a year off of med school. I'm enrolled in art school for next year, which I have to pay for myself. From there I'll decide what I want. Maybe I'll be a doctor, maybe I'll do something that has to do with art. Maybe I won't do either of those things. I just know how it felt to walk away from you and I don't want to walk away from anything I care about again. The only way to find exactly what I want in my life is to try different things."

"Your dad?" I ask him.

"We're not on speaking terms right now. He's p.i.s.sed. Hence the moving out. He won't pay for this apartment anymore. He's not going to be helping me as much, which is okay. I'm grown. I should be doing this s.h.i.t on my own anyway."

"f.u.c.k...that sucks. He helps Chris."

"That's because Chris didn't go to school for one thing for five years only to possibly change his mind." Levi shrugs. "I'll figure it out. But right now I really wanna taste you."

"Took you long enough." I cover Levi's mouth with mine, the familiar taste of him on my tongue again. He grabs my a.s.s and we just sit there kissing. We stop every few minutes to talk. He's still going to school in San Francisco next year, which makes me really f.u.c.king happy.

I kiss him again, and we talk some more-important s.h.i.t, not important s.h.i.t. It doesn't matter. I just want to talk to him, to be close to him...hopefully f.u.c.k him again, but first, it's just our mouths in action...kissing and words.

He's taking a road trip home for the summer and asks me to ride with him. He tells me he's sorry for leaving me, that he'll never leave again, but I tell him he didn't have a choice. He didn't really walk away because I hadn't really given myself to him.

He kisses me again.

We talk more about his dad and mine. How Dad's leaving at the end of the summer to live with his mom in Tennessee. Levi says I should go with him for a week or so, and I think he's right.

What kind of life is it if you don't let yourself experience it? If you don't go for what you want and live how you want? If you don't open your mouth and say what's important and cling to those you love? Not being who you are, or saying how you feel, or fighting for what you love, not being willing to risk your heart, is losing by default.

I won't ever lose that way, and I know the man writhing under me with all his f.u.c.king pa.s.sion for life won't either.

EPILOGUE.

"We didn't plan this very well," is the first thing I say to Levi when I open the apartment door. "The couch looks good right there," comes afterward, as I take in what he's done with the living room.

Maybe it's stupid to get a place together this soon. Maybe we'll fight like crazy. Maybe we're rushing it.

Maybe we don't care, because maybe it'll be the best f.u.c.king thing in the world to live with each other and see each other every day between school and work and life.

See? Living the way we want. That's what we're doing.

"Glad you like it. We didn't have many options on the couch. The room is small. And who cares if we planned the timing well? Kiss me, baby. I haven't seen you in two weeks."

The second the door is closed, Levi has me backed against it. Our tongues are tangling. I have a hand in his hair and his is on my hip, and it's so d.a.m.n awesome to have a boyfriend I want to be around all the time.

Knock, knock, knock.

"f.u.c.k. I told you we didn't plan this very well."

Levi shrugs and adjusts his erection. "It is what it is. I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

Things have been a bit rushed. I went to Oregon to see my dad and then drove across the country with him. He's settled with Grandma now, and trying to find some kind of life. We're hoping the change of scenery helps. That and the fact that he's finally admitted something is wrong and is seeing a doctor. He's depressed. He knows it and I know it, it just took him a long time to get on the path to good mental health. He's there now and I couldn't be more proud of him.

While I was gone, Levi moved us into our new dump not far from my old one with the help of Xavier, Cherise and Brian. We spent the rest of the summer staying in my old place with Xavier.

Knock, knock.

"Going to answer that?" Levi c.o.c.ks a brow at me.

"Sorry. Distracted." Turning around I pull open the door for Gemma and Chris.

"What up?" Chris asks and hugs me, then walks in and gives his brother a hug as well. Gemma does the same.

The four of us hang out and chat before going out to find something to eat. They crash at our house for the weekend, Levi and I playing hosts, while we explore the city, riding the trolley with them and all that s.h.i.t. Gemma's never been to San Francis...o...b..fore and it looks as though she's fallen in love with the place like we did.

Chris and Gemma leave Monday morning, heading back East for school and I'm naked, sweaty in bed with Levi f.u.c.king Baxter.

My Levi. It feels pretty d.a.m.n good to think.

"I can't believe I'm not going to med school next week," he says after a period of silence.

"Are you scared?"

"Yeah."

Threading my fingers through his hair, I let out what's on my mind. "I think maybe the best things are scary. They test us, they're not easy, but that's the only way to tell if they're worth it."

"Oooh. My boyfriend is so f.u.c.king smart." Levi kisses my chest, the tattoo on my arm, and then down to my stomach.

"Shut up."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Will you ever stop arguing with me?"

He's still kissing me as he chuckles. "Nope. Love givin' you s.h.i.t. Love making up with you, too. You're right, though. The things that matter aren't easy. Not most of the time."

But just like facing my past and opening myself up to a future with him, they're worth it.

"Can I take you now?" He asks. "I think I've recovered."