A Hundred Thousand Words Part 17

Levi doesn't grab my hand, doesn't put an arm around me, just walks back toward the hospital. As the warmth of his touch quickly gets washed away by the rain, I realize how much better everything is when he's holding me.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE.

The next few days are tough. They do a scan on Dad and decide they want to give it a few more days and try some different medications before attempting to take him out of the coma. They're worried about his brain swelling and bleeding. Levi asks his dad a hundred questions about it. Tries to explain everything to me that's going on, and it just makes me even more in awe of him.

I've been staying at the hospital. Chris, Gemma, and Levi come every morning and spend most of the day with me. Every night, Levi tries to stay here with me, but I won't let him. He shouldn't have to spend his time sleeping on c.r.a.ppy waiting room chairs and eating s.h.i.t food.

It's the fourth day, a Monday when all of us should be back at school. Gemma and Chris have gone to get some food. My mouth's dry as h.e.l.l, and my eyes scratchy. I need something to wake me up or to curl up and go to sleep. My bones feel like they're filled with heavy metal, making me stiff and weighing me down.

"Do you want a coffee or something?" Levi asks.

Absolutely. "Yeah, thank you. That'd be great."

He gives me a small smile. "Okay. I'll be right back."

Levi's gone less than ten seconds when Elaine reaches over and lays a hand on mine. "It's you, isn't it?"

"Huh?" I look over at her, trying to figure out what she means.

"The boy Levi's in love with. It's you. I see it in the way he looks at you. The way he's trying to take care of you."

It's a stupid reaction but my head starts spinning. She knows. I can't believe she figured it out. What does this mean for us?

My dad could die, and all I can think about is that I can't handle losing someone else. Not my best friend because of my betrayal or Levi...because if it comes to me or his brother, who is he going to choose? "Um...we've been seeing each other, yeah. I'm sorry if that's a shock. We didn't really mean for it to happen."

When her eyes wrinkle around the edges I realize where Levi got the habit. "You sound like you think I would care. You know gay or straight doesn't matter to my family. And if I'm being honest, I'm thrilled that it's you. You've been like a part of our family for a very long time, Toby. We love you."

Those last three words somehow quiet the storm in my brain. I don't remember the last time I heard them. Not from Dad... Maybe from Mom before she left. It's all a blur now, I just know that I'm hearing them now from a woman who stepped up and was like a parent to me when mine struggled or disappeared.

"Thank you. I love you guys, too." Which is why this scares me. I don't want to rock the boat and lose them. "Levi and I...we're not in love, though." Because if he was, he would have said it. Even if he thought he loved me, Levi would let those words out. He'd consider it weak not to. "It's just a...thing." Then I remember that she told Levi she hoped he wasn't being used for s.e.x, so I scramble to say, "I mean, not that kind of thing. It's not like..." How in the h.e.l.l do I tell someone's mom I'm not just using them for a piece of a.s.s?

Elaine laughs a rich, happy laugh that also sounds like her son's. They're both such alive, happy, caring people. I didn't realize how similar they were until now.

"This could get into uncomfortable territory real quick. We should probably stop where we are and I'll just say I stick by my original a.s.sessment, okay? I'm happy and I know my son."

Smiling at her, I reply, "Okay." But she doesn't really know everything about Levi. She doesn't know he doesn't want to be a doctor. She doesn't know he takes medication for anxiety every day.

Levi shows up with my coffee a few minutes later. I mumble a "Thank you," but don't really look at him. It's strange now, knowing that his mom knows, wondering if she really does care at all, or if this will change things.

Chris and Gemma make their way back not long after Levi does. He's across the room from me, Chris on my right and Elaine on my left.

Levi says, "You should go home tonight, Tobias. You can't stay here every day. They'll call you with any updates." From across the waiting room, I lock eyes with him.

"He's right, sweetie." Elaine lays a hand on my thigh and squeezes.

Chris nudges me from my other side. "I can stay at your place with you. Or you can come home with us. You just need to get out of here. It can't be good for you to stay."

They're right, I know it, but then the guilt sets in. I should be here. What if he wakes up? What if he dies? h.e.l.l, we screwed up everything in our lives enough. I don't want to f.u.c.k this up too.

"Toby," Levi says. "You deserve a break."

I don't know about that but I know I want one. Levi's words cement it. "Okay, I'll go home."

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Chris asks. Without looking, I know Levi's eyes are on me. It's a weak move, but I steer clear of glancing his way.

"Nah, thanks though. I think I need to be alone."

They drive me back to Coburn. The second I step into the lonely house, I know this is a mistake. It's so small, but I always feel lost here. Right now, I don't want to be lost. Don't want to be alone.

I sit in the same chair Dad sits in every day. I turn on a basketball game and pretend I give a s.h.i.t about it. After it's over I make my way to the nearly empty fridge. The freezer is packed with frozen meals. The single magnet rattles and falls off when I slam the door. Then it's me going down, sliding to the floor and using the fridge to hold me up.

This is what he did. He sat in this house alone day after day without having a life, without getting close to anyone or making any kind of real connections. And now he could die, alone.

Fumbling with my phone, I call Levi. He hardly gets his "h.e.l.lo" out before I say, "I don't want to be alone tonight."

"I'm on my way."

I don't move from my spot on the kitchen floor, leaning on the fridge. A few minutes later, the k.n.o.b on the front door shakes. As it pushes open, a deep breath escapes from my lungs.

"Tobias?" Levi calls.

"In the kitchen." His Nikes squeak on the floor. Without looking at him, I say, "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be." He stops in front of me and holds out his hand. It makes me feel weak as h.e.l.l, but I let him pull me to my feet. "You don't ever have to be alone. Why can't you see that? I'm here. Chris is here. Your dad loves you. My family loves you. You're not alone, baby, no matter how much you think you are. We're not going to leave."

And that's the crux of it all right there. Mom left. Dad doesn't know how to be there. It's a whole lot easier not to get close than it is to lose people you love.

"Come lay down with me." Levi threads his fingers through mine, leads me to my bedroom. He bends down and unties my shoes and then I kick out of them. He does the same to his. A minute later we're in my childhood bed in our underwear wrapped around each other. "I wish I could read your mind," Levi says as we cuddle in a coc.o.o.n of blankets. f.u.c.king cuddle. I can't believe how much I've done that since getting with him.

"I wish you could, too." Because I care about him, I appreciate him. I'm in love with him, yet the words still trap themselves inside me.

"You don't get close to anyone. You let Chris in when you were a kid, but no one else. I know it's ridiculous for me to be jealous. You're friends, I know that, but it f.u.c.king eats away at me, rubs me raw that you picked him. That he's the one you let inside you and now you're so f.u.c.king scared to do it with anyone else. It's like you think there's a quota on your capacity for love and friendship. It's all surface stuff-f.u.c.king people you don't care about, not having real friendships with people like Xavier or Cherise."

"Lately-"

"Not letting me inside."

"You're here, Levi. I called you."

"I know." He growls into my neck. "I f.u.c.king love that I'm here with you. But I want to be that man for you out there, too. I want to walk you down the hall to see your dad. I want to bring you lunch to make you feel better. I want to tell everyone I'm taking you home to take care of you and not have to sneak out to do it. And I also know that throwing all of this on you right now makes me a d.i.c.khead. You have enough on your plate, but I can't keep going without being one hundred percent real about how I feel. I care a lot about you, more than you know. I can go my whole life living a lie in every aspect of it except that one."

"I..." have no f.u.c.king clue what to say to that. I care about him too. I'm in love with him. He's the only real flicker of joy inside me, this light that started out dim but grows by the second.

"Don't say anything right now. Like I said, you have s.h.i.t on your mind, but know that when your dad heals, I'm not playing games anymore. You and I are going to get real about stuff soon. I won't hold it off anymore. I want more than your body. I want your heart and I need your words. I need to know you feel the same. I can't be in this alone."

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX.

The next couple days are spent at the hospital, but my nights are at home. Levi lies and tells Chris and his family he's going wherever it is he tells them he's going, but he comes to me. Every night. I keep expecting him not to be there, waiting for him to disappear or shut me out, but neither of those things has happened yet. Gemma had to go back to school. Every night Chris asks me to go to their house or if I want him to come to mine. I always say no and then I wait for his brother. I'm such a f.u.c.king liar.

It's Thursday morning and we're all sitting in the Baxter living room. Even Dr. Baxter is home this time. In a little while we'll go to Portland where Dad's going to have another test to see if they can start trying to bring him out of the coma.

Dr. Baxter leans against the couch with his arms crossed. He's not the kind of guy who tries to be intimidating, but he is. It's how he's built. "You need to head back to school, Levi. You've missed four days. It's nice of you to want to be here for your brother's friend, but this isn't an extended vacation here."

I freeze up and see Levi do the same from across the room.

"It's not going to hurt him to miss a few days," Elaine says waving her hand as if what Dr. Baxter said makes no sense.

"He's a second-year medical student at Stanford. Next year he starts his clinical rotations. Yes, dear, missing time can hurt him."

"You're not telling Chris to go back," Levi interrupts. "It's not a big deal, Dad. I'll be fine. I can make it up. If not this year, then I guess I'll find a way next year."

His father doesn't seem to agree. "No, you won't. You're going back. Like I said, it's nice of you to want to be here, but he has Chris." Levi flinches, and I can tell I'm not the only one who notices. Elaine closes her eyes, shakes her head. "His friend can support him," Dr. Baxter continues. "Medical school is different than Chris's program."

Aw, f.u.c.k. That's the worst thing he could say for both Chris and Levi. Can't he see how important Chris's life is, too? See that Levi doesn't have to follow the same exact path his father followed?

"So what Levi's doing is more important than what I'm doing?" Chris jumps in. "Stupid question. Of course it is. Everything Levi does is always more important because Levi's perfect. Everyone wants to be like him, and everyone loves him. I'm just Chris. I don't matter."

"Now everyone calm down. This is the last thing Toby needs," Elaine says, but Dr. Baxter's voice rises over hers.

"Don't do that, Christopher. Don't put words into my mouth. Your schooling is very important, but we can all admit that it's not the same as medical school."

"Of course not!" Chris tosses his arms up and then lets them drop heavily against his sides. "I'm so tired of the whole d.a.m.n world revolving around Levi!"

That's enough to make Levi turn to him. "What the h.e.l.l are you talking about? The world doesn't revolve around me. You don't know the s.h.i.t I deal with."

"Are you kidding me right now? What the h.e.l.l do you have to deal with?"

My stomach sinks deeper and deeper every second. This is the last thing I want, causing drama in their family, making people fight. "It's fine," I say. "Everyone can go back to school. I'm good. No one needs to screw up their grades for me. It'll probably be easier if I'm by myself anyway. I don't want to be a burden."

Levi whips my direction, fire igniting in his eyes. "Don't do that, Tobias. Don't play the 'I'm an island, I don't need anyone' bulls.h.i.t right now." He's pleading with me. Every part of him is. I see it in the desperation in his eyes, the way he looks at me and leans toward me. The way his body almost slumps over. He needs me to be honest, needs me to show him I want him. And I do, so f.u.c.king much it's become a constant ache inside me that only Levi has the cure for, but my dad is in the hospital and Chris is seething with anger. It's all too much. I can't deal with this right now. I can't make Chris understand.

"No offense, Dad, but you can't make me go. I'm an adult." And then to me and only me, he adds, "I'm not leaving, no matter what."

Thank you.

"Why? Because the great and powerful Levi can make it better?" Sarcasm plays off every one of Chris's words.

Just as my stomach rolls, Levi snaps back, "No, a.s.shole, because I'm in love with him. What the h.e.l.l is your problem with me, anyway? What did I ever do to you that's so bad? Is this because of Bridget?"

In love with me... In some ways he basically said the same thing when we were in my bed. He was warning me. I get that, but hearing him say the words, with his whole family around is a different thing.

d.a.m.ned if I don't want it to be true. Maybe even need it. "Levi...I..." When I don't continue, he shakes his head.

"Are you serious? You're with my brother?" Chris says pulling my attention from Levi. His eyes shoot daggers at me. I can read him the same way I did Levi and he's ready to explode. His jaw's tight, a vein pulsing in his temple.

"You're gay?" Dr. Baxter asks Levi. There's no anger in his voice just...surprise, and maybe a little bit of frustration because Dr. Baxter doesn't like surprises. He likes everything to run through him.

"I don't see the problem here," Elaine adds. "It's Toby and Levi."

No one speaks, everyone waiting on me. Or at least Levi and Chris are. There are so many things I can say right now. So many things I need to say but they all get clogged up in my throat. "I'm sorry, Chris," is all I can find.

"You're sorry for being with me?" Levi asks.

I turn from Chris to face him. "What? No. I'm sorry for lying to him."

"How long have you been lying to me?" When my eyes find Chris again, I can see him putting it all together. "He was at your house the past few nights, wasn't he?"

"Yeah," I say. There's a sadness to my voice that feels like a betrayal of Levi. But I can't help it. I feel as though I've betrayed Chris, too, and there's no way I can hold back on my misery for failing either one of them.

"And let me guess, he's the reason you bailed on spring break and the concert... Holy s.h.i.t, he gave you a gift at Christmas. You've been lying that f.u.c.king long?"

"Don't speak like that in my house, Chris. I don't care how old you are." No one looks at Dr. Baxter. No one gives him a reply. That has to be a first.

"He hated doing it, man. We didn't mean for all this to happen," Levi says to his brother.

"Don't. Don't tell me who my best friend is. I know him." His angry gaze bounces from his brother to me. "Or at least I used to. Jesus, Toby. We've spent eleven f.u.c.king years being best friends. I've always had your back and you've been lying to me for Levi?"

I still can't find my words.

"Why do you hate me so much?" Levi's facing Chris and I can hear the pain as his voice breaks on the question. My heart breaks, too. Everything inside me wants to go to him, to touch him and comfort him the way he's done to me, but I don't move. Chris is hurting. Levi is. I am. This whole thing has turned into a giant cl.u.s.terf.u.c.k.

"Your brother doesn't hate you," his mom tells him, but Chris isn't having it.

Glaring at Levi, he opens his mouth and I know a lifetime of history is about to be laid out. "Because you get f.u.c.king everything! You're smarter, and everyone loves you. You're the better son because you want to be a doctor, which means nothing I ever do will be as good as what you're doing!" Chris yells. "There wasn't one person in my life who ever cared about me more than you before Toby. You took girls I wanted and friends I wanted, and now you stole my best friend as well." Chris turns to me. "And f.u.c.k you for letting him. You should have told me, Toby. I would have gotten over it if you didn't lie."

"I didn't choose him over you." And I didn't. Chris will always be my boy.

"Christopher, you have to know that isn't true," Elaine says, but Chris doesn't reply to either of us. He just walks out.

"I'm sorry, Levi, Toby," Elaine says, her voice shaky. "I need to check on him." She goes out right behind him.

When I turn around, Levi's sitting on the beige couch, elbows on his knees and face in his hands.

"I apologize," Dr. Baxter tells him. "I didn't understand the nature of your relationship with Toby. You have feelings for him, and I understand you wanting to support him, Levi. That's an honorable thing to do, but that doesn't change the fact that you need to be in school. I'm sure Toby understands and wants what's best for you, don't you?" He looks at me, and there's only one answer he expects to hear. He's a good man and has always treated me well, but he's also used to having the last say. He's used to being obeyed.

Dr. Baxter wants his answer, but as I look over at Levi, I know he wants another. He wants me to tell him to stay... But I have to wonder-why can't he tell his dad why he really doesn't want to go? Why does it just have to be about me? This is his chance to tell his dad how he feels about being a doctor.