A Hundred Thousand Words Part 14

"Jesus, Toby. You say you love words so much but you can't seem to use them when it matters." He pushes away, sitting up with his back against the wall. I just let him be and don't touch him as he continues, "It's not like I said I want to get married, adopt babies and live the American Dream with you. I'm saying I like hanging out. You make me feel good. I care about you and I want to keep doing this and feel like we're on the same f.u.c.king page, man. I'm always chasing after you when I've never chased anyone in my life."

Of course, it has to come back to that. "Oh for f.u.c.k's sake. Sorry to put a dent in the great Levi Baxter's ego." He flinches and immediately the angry fire inside me is doused and replaced by guilt. "s.h.i.t. I didn't mean that." Bowing my head, I close my eyes. Try to find my words. "We're on the same page. I don't know why this is so hard for me."

The bed dips and my pulse automatically speeds up, my skin eager for the touch I know he's going to give me. "It's hard because you don't let anyone in, no one except my brother. It's hard because you don't want to be left. It's hard because it matters."

Yes, yes, and yes. He hit the nail on the head with all of those things. "Maybe." I grin.

Levi's finger hooks beneath my chin. When he tilts my head up, I open my eyes and the way our gazes connect so fast and so completely, I feel like we're seeing each other as we truly are. "See? That wasn't so hard was it?" Levi pushes onto his knees, crawls over me and straddles my lap. My d.i.c.k grows, hardens as it stands at attention, the velvet skin of his length against mine. "What are you doing for spring break?"

"Spring break? You're naked on my lap and want to talk about something weeks away? I can't think beyond my next o.r.g.a.s.m right now."

He chuckles, winks and d.a.m.ned if I'm not honored that it's me who gets to see this side of him. Me who knows both the old Levi and the new Levi and how they blend together.

"Maybe that's my plan." He leans forward, nips my neck with his teeth and then kisses the tender skin.

"Chris..." I gasp out, my thoughts trying to become clear.

"That's my brother, not me." He bites again and I buck before he kisses the same spot for the second time.

"No s.h.i.t. Not a chance I'm mixing the two of you up... He's taking Gemma home again. I'm supposed to go back, too. He wants to do this concert thing in Portland."

"Oh..." One more soft kiss that goes straight to my b.a.l.l.s, before he pulls away. "I was hoping you were staying. I'm supposed to go back, but I want to skip out. I don't feel like lying. I gotta lie when I go there."

But he doesn't. He really f.u.c.king doesn't. "Just tell them. I'll...I'll go with you if you want. Not that I can do anything, but I'll be there."

He smiles like I gave him the answer to everything he's ever wanted, when all I did was offer to sit next to him while he's honest to his parents.

"Thank you. I can't take you up on that. You know I can't quit, Tobias. Just thinking about it overwhelms me with so much f.u.c.king stress I want to explode. But I'm thankful you'd offer." There's this quiet honesty in Levi sometimes that I never noticed before the past couple months. When he says something's important to him, he means it. He's not the guy who says s.h.i.t just to say it.

And then, all I can think about is how it would feel to spend the week here with him compared to what it would be like going home.

Home where I spend time with my dad and become just like him-the two loneliest men in the world living side by side.

Home where I'd end up lying to Chris and hearing him talk s.h.i.t about Levi when he doesn't deserve it. Not this Levi.

"Xavier won't be here," I say, not sure why.

"I know."

His hair tickles my forehead when he leans closer. My head bows and I look down at his long erection and the pearl of liquid at the tip of his thick rod. I want this. Want him. Just to chill, and enjoy my time with him.

If I bail on going home, though, Chris won't understand. h.e.l.l, I don't understand-it's not the kind of thing I've ever done before. We made plans. I'm always there for Chris the same way he's always been there for me. But the thought of staying here with Levi fills up the hollow s.p.a.ce inside me. Thinking about going home only makes the s.p.a.ce bigger.

"I'll stay."

"f.u.c.k yesss...Oh yeah..." Levi says when I wrap my hand around our d.i.c.ks.

As I stroke us together, my thumb rubbing around his head, my head, smearing our pre-come together, Levi thrusts into my hand, riding my lap. It's not long before I feel the tingle in my sac, before my b.a.l.l.s draw up tight and then I groan, coming all over us. Levi pumps into my hand one more time before he's joining me, our fluid running down my fingers and our stomachs.

"I'm dying. That felt so d.a.m.n good." He rolls off me and onto the bed. I go down beside him. The room is warm, but it's not enough to make me ease my sweat-slicked body away from his.

After a few minutes, he asks, "Why doesn't Chris ever ask me to do stuff with him? Like the concert? I mean, I get why he wouldn't when we were kids-we were pretty different-but things have changed now. "

I know now how things have changed for Levi. But they're not different for Chris, and I don't have the heart to tell Levi. If I add Chris's s.h.i.t to the pile, it won't do any of us any good. Chris's anger at Levi in the past didn't bother me, but now it hurts like h.e.l.l because I know how much it would devastate Levi.

I've started to feel as solid with Levi as I do with Chris. I feel like he sees my true colors with his artist's eyes. Worrying about Chris is kind of like splashing paint thinner on what Levi and I are building together-it's eating away at my colors. "I don't know," I finally respond.

"Liar," he whispers, and then, "I wish I could take some of it back."

"Like what?"

He pauses a minute as though he's thinking. "Just how I acted. How I thought. I know some of the s.h.i.t I did was obnoxious. Part of it was me being an a.s.shole, me thinking that I could do anything but it was more than that, too. I think since I thought I had to be so perfect, I tried too hard to play the golden boy role, ya know? Had to talk s.h.i.t to feel better about myself and had to have girls so I could feel wanted. Pretty s.h.i.tty, right?"

There's bone deep sadness to his voice that splinters my insides. I can see what he's saying. See how Levi wasn't always as confident as we thought. See how he just tried to be who everyone thought he was, or who everyone thought he should be. "There's nothing we can do about the past." Him or me.

"Do you remember that girl Chris hooked me up with that one time? Bridget or something like that."

Wait. "What?" I look at him.

"Bridget. She was that girl who liked me. She told Chris and he brought her around so she could get to know me."

Wow. This puts a whole new spin on things. It also helps make sense of Levi's odd thanks way back then. "That's not what happened. If she told you that she lied. She made Chris think she liked him. He thought they were dating, and the next thing he knew, you were taking her out."

Levi's eyes go wide as he sits up. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah." And I can't help but wonder if there were more misunderstandings with Levi in the past. Not that I think he was perfect, because I don't, but things aren't always what they seem.

"Holy s.h.i.t." He runs a hand though his hair. "Chris must have wanted to kill me." He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, the sadness making his body look heavier. Levi lies back down beside me. "Why didn't he say anything?"

"I don't know." I do know that I want to comfort him though. Rolling over, I kiss him before pulling him close. With my arm wrapped around him and my face in his neck, I hold Levi until he goes to sleep.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE.

We're both busy as h.e.l.l the next couple weeks. When he comes on the weekend we spend most of our time doing homework. I watch him sometimes, having no f.u.c.king clue how he does all the s.h.i.t he does. The fact that he's smart as h.e.l.l becomes even more obvious as I watch him work through microbiology immunology, and other "ology's" that I didn't know existed.

He's a perfectionist-I've always known this about him-but the longer we spend time together, the more I see it in everything he does. The more I understand that's why this whole thing is so hard for him.

He will make a d.a.m.n good doctor if he goes through with it. He's kind enough and he has the big brain for it. His heart is for sure big enough, but to do the job and be happy, his heart has to be in the idea of being a doctor, too.

It's a Tuesday the week after I told him I'd stay for spring break. I'm on my fifteen at work, sitting in the little-a.s.s break room when I pull out my phone. Hey...what's up? How's your day?

Levi's reply comes almost instantly. s.h.i.tty day. Really busy. Sorry I didn't text...but then, maybe that's a good thing. This is the first time you've messaged me first.

Which can't really be true, can it? How can I not have messaged Levi first? Shut up.

I'm serious.

Honestly, I know he must be serious. I don't get it. Why do I have this block inside me for s.h.i.t like that? Why don't I just pick up the phone because I want to talk to him and text or call? Because I do. I want to talk to him all the time. Sorry.

Don't be. Just do it more often now, yeah? Oh! I have a plan. For every time you text me first, I'll let you suck my d.i.c.k first the next time we see each other.

I laugh so hard, my cheeks start to hurt. f.u.c.k you. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

Nah, you love sucking d.i.c.k, T. You want me in your mouth.

And he's right, I really do. Deal.

That's what I thought. You're the best. I gotta go but, did you tell Chris yet? I talked to Mom last night and she said something about you and Chris for spring break.

f.u.c.k. The laughter in my gut turns into something else entirely. Dread and guilt, because I'm putting this off for no reason. We're supposed to head home next week, and Chris still doesn't know I won't be there. It's on my list. Gotta go too. See you this weekend.

There's a delay, a long one, before Levi replies. See ya.

It's strange having people depend on you. Depend might not be the right word, I guess, but the concept has never really come up for me before.

Up until now the only people I've been close to are Chris and my dad. And with my dad's issues, that always meant Chris was the guy I relied on, the guy I wanted to hang with. He's always been my boy.

Now Levi's become such a big part of my life, I'm having to think harder about how my actions affect people. It would hurt Chris if I ditched him for his brother. He already thinks everyone chooses Levi over him. How can I be that guy to Chris?

My brain keeps telling me I have to choose between them. I don't want to. I like things easy and all this heart-to-brain back and forth makes me want to just say f.u.c.k it and walk away from it all.

But I don't.

My need to spend time with Levi is huge and consuming and it surprises the h.e.l.l out of me every day. The need for someone like him in my life was buried deep, a pebble of a desire that's s...o...b..lled until it's gotten so big, I'm not sure there's room for anything else. It's uncomfortable and scary and something I would ordinarily hate, but apparently I like the feeling. Because I don't ever want to change it.

So two days before I'm supposed to go to Oregon, I call Chris.

"Hey, bro, what's up?" he says before, "Hold on, baby. It's Toby."

"Hi, Toby!" Gemma shouts in the background.

My guilt takes on ma.s.sive proportions. Canceling this late makes me a really big a.s.shole.

"Tell her I say hi...and I have some bad news. I'm not going to be able to make it up to Coburn for spring break. Things are crazy at work and I need to pick up some extra shifts." Apparently being an a.s.shole isn't my only s.h.i.tty quality. I'm a liar, too.

"What? No way, man. That sucks. You can't get out of it? We didn't get to do much over Christmas."

Weighing my words, I try to think of the best way to reply to make me even a little bit less of a lying a.s.shole. "I wish there was a way I could do both. I miss your dumb a.s.s, but I made a commitment, and it's really important." All true.

Chris sighs. "d.a.m.n... I wish I would have known sooner. We almost went to Gem's, but you and I had plans and I didn't want to skip out on you."

f.u.c.k. What the h.e.l.l am I doing? I squeeze my eyes closed. I hadn't thought about the possibility he could have made other plans if it weren't for me.

That's the thing about Chris. He's the guy who would sacrifice getting to know his girlfriend's family if he thought it was best for me and here I am, f.u.c.king things up for a piece of his brother's a.s.s.

But that's not really what this is about. Levi's more than that...

"I'm sorry, man. I feel like s.h.i.t. Maybe there's something I can do-"

"Nah, I get it. If you have to work, you have to work. It sucks, but that's the way it is."

That was nice of him, pushing the knife in further by trying to be a good guy. "I'll make it up to you, Chris." Because I really don't know what I would do without him.

"It's cool. I got you. We're good. I'm gonna go, though. I was just about to kiss my girlfriend senseless when you called-ouch! s.h.i.t. No hitting, Gem!"

I can't help but laugh at their games and see the same kind of conversation going down between Levi and I.

CHAPTER THIRTY.

"You're nervous, aren't you?" Levi nudges my arm as we walk down the street. The sun's high and bright enough to burn my eyes, but the air's still cool. Spring is teasing us, but hasn't really blessed us with her presence yet.

He's wearing my San Francisco State University hoodie. We fought over it this morning. I don't know why he loves the d.a.m.n thing so much, but he's always jacking it from me. A few weeks ago he took it back to Palo Alto with him when he left on Sunday, so I ended up going out and buying the plain black hoodie that I'm now stuck wearing.

"No. Why would I be nervous?" But I am, and both Levi and I know it. It's a good question for me to ask, though. Just because I feel something doesn't mean I understand it. Does anyone truly understand their feelings? Or do we all like to pretend we have the answers, when half the time we're all just floating along and hoping for the best.

"Because this is pretty close to legit boyfriend stuff. We're not just f.u.c.king like rabbits and hiding out in your apartment. We're going to lunch with your friend and her boyfriend. It's like a double date."

Rolling my eyes at him, I say, "It's not a double date."

"Is too."

"Is not."

"Is too."

"Dude, I'm going to kick your a.s.s if you don't stop trying to argue with me all the time!" Playfully, I push him. Levi stumbles, laughing, but grabs onto my arm to steady himself. It's a reflex for me, reaching down and locking our fingers together. It's so fairytale-cheesy in so many ways. Frolicking down the street holding a dude's hand was never something I really saw myself doing, but I like the feel of Levi's hand in mine. His skin feels rougher-there's a callous from his pencil on his finger because he's been drawing so much.

"You didn't argue about the boyfriend stuff." He squeezes my hand. No, I didn't, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. "You're into me, Tobias Jackson. Not just the fantasy Levi. You like me. I got past your defenses, didn't I?" When I don't answer, he adds, "It's okay. I like you, too. You've known that for a while, though. I've never had a boyfriend before. I think I like it."

It's just like Levi to run with this, for him to decide we're now boyfriends and that's the way it is. It's kind of a surprise how much I love that about him.

Returning his brief squeeze from earlier, I reply, "Well who wouldn't? It's me." Translation: I like you too, but I'm too weak to really say it.

"Wow...you didn't trip or anything when you said that. You're not clumsy around me anymore. I miss it." Levi lets go of my hand before wrapping his arm around my neck, keeping us close. "Or maybe I don't... I like that you're comfortable around me. Another sign I'm not fantasy Levi anymore. I'm real."