A Hundred Thousand Words Part 10

"Actually, he does. He keeps it in his room. If I'm being honest, I'm a little afraid to know what's in that one."

My reply earns me another laugh from Levi. It's like he's giving me some kind of gift, like Levi's enjoyment is somehow mine, which sends off all sorts of sensors and warnings that I try to shut down. "Here." I toss him a shirt. "Get ready so we can get out of here." And I can get a few minutes alone to figure out what in the h.e.l.l I'm doing.

CHAPTER TWENTY.

"I want to ride the trolley." There's an excited quiver to Levi's voice, as though he can hardly hold it in. His contents are under pressure and if he doesn't find release somehow, he'll explode. He does this sometimes, gets this giddy kind of enthusiasm about the smallest things. It's totally not my gig.

"And I want a million dollars. Or all my student loans paid off."

"I'm serious, Toby. Ride the d.a.m.ned trolley with me."

The frown on my face is automatic, pulling my lips tight. Riding the trolley feels like such a... I don't know. Like a lame thing to do. "You weren't kidding about the tourist thing."

"No, I wasn't. Remember how I like to get my way? Let's go. I looked up where the closest stop is; we need to go right."

When he touches my arm, I swear my skin absorbs some of his enthusiasm. This is all part of his charm, how he pulls people in so easily. And suddenly I'm thinking riding the trolley could be kind of cool...in a cheesy, made-for-TV-movie kind of way.

"Have you ever ridden it?" he asks.

"Nope."

"Why the h.e.l.l not? We did when we came down here for vacation, before med school. I think Dad was living vicariously through me."

I can see how that would happen. When Levi got accepted at Stanford it was all Dr. Baxter spoke about. It drove Chris out of his mind. I'd been slightly fascinated by the news, because Levi always fascinated me. It's weird to look back and realize that Levi was the only one feeling conflicted by the deal.

"So, anyway, you're too cool for the trolley?" he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

"f.u.c.k yeah. Too cool for you, too, but I'm making an exception."

"Didn't sound like an exception when you were telling me how you used to jerk off thinking of me. It sure as h.e.l.l didn't sound that way when you were pounding me."

My foot catches on an uneven spot on the sidewalk, and I stumble forward. The b.a.s.t.a.r.d starts laughing his a.s.s off, people looking at us when they walk by.

"I love that I can make you do that. You get fl.u.s.tered and when you do, it makes you clumsy. It's adorable."

On the one hand, I like him thinking I'm adorable as long as it's not in a cute-kid kind of way. On the other hand, "f.u.c.k off. The timing was coincidental."

"No it wasn't."

"Yes it was."

"No-"

"Will you stop it? Jesus, you're like a kid, sometimes." No matter how hard I try to feign annoyance, I can't hold back my smile. Without looking, I know Levi is smiling, too.

"It's a nice change, Toby. I haven't felt like this in too long."

This time it's my heart that stumbles before finding its footing again. No, no, no. I can't let the organ in my chest get involved at all when it comes to Levi. He's enjoying himself now, and maybe I'd like to think it's because of me, but it won't last. Things never do.

I'm freaked out that I'll want it to.

I'm so incredibly f.u.c.ked when it comes to Levi Baxter, and I know it.

All day I find myself with my eyes on him, waiting to get a clearer picture of exactly who Levi is. Just as soon as I think one thing, he throws me-the story about his dad, the excitement over the trolley, dealing with anxiety, his worry about becoming a doctor. The more time I spend with him, the more I want to know everything about him. What makes him tick, and what makes him smile? What goes through his head every day and why is it so hard for him to admit he doesn't want to be a doctor? It was easy when I thought I knew exactly who Levi was. Now my image is distorted, but that doesn't stop me from wanting him.

Which yeah, I'm aware makes no sense, but most of the time what people feel doesn't make sense. Not in my opinion.

"How'd you know where I'd be last night?" I ask Levi as we walk through one of the stores on the pier. The place is a mishmash of knickknacks, chimes, pictures and stuffed animals of all things. Levi has to walk behind me instead of next to me as we make our way through the maze of wizards, fairies and strange pig statues.

"This store is weird," he replies, before adding, "I called Chris."

"What the f.u.c.k?" My heart drops to my feet as I whip around to look at him.

"Dude, relax. I didn't tell him about our deep, dark secret, even though I don't totally understand why it is a secret."

"My s.e.x life isn't other people's business."

"So I'm part of your s.e.x life, huh? Does that mean we get to do it again?" He waggles his eyebrows at me, acting like an idiot.

"Shut up."

"You're smiling."

"No I'm not." I'm totally f.u.c.king smiling. The b.a.s.t.a.r.d. "What did you say to him?" I move toward the back of the store. The rows don't get any bigger, but Levi finds a way to walk next to me, our arms rubbing against each other as we move. I like the feel of him, and wish we weren't wearing jackets so we'd be skin to skin.

"I just played it off like I didn't know it was your birthday. He said he'd just gotten off the phone with you, and you were going out because you turned twenty-one. I laughed it off and said maybe I'd make the trip to San Fran to give you s.h.i.t. He told me to leave you alone, and that you were heading to some gay club called Blue Velvet and I wouldn't want to be there anyway. Voila. I'm magic."

"You're an idiot," I say but really my chest is airy and light. Yeah, I've been fighting it, but I've felt good all day because of him. It's like he sucks the negative energy out of a situation. He's such a bright f.u.c.king light that you can't fight happiness when he's around. Which makes the fact that I know he's miserable on the inside so much more tragic. Maybe all the bright lights of the world get snuffed out by quiet tragedy n.o.body sees.

"Do you guys talk on the phone often?" It doesn't seem like they would. Chris never mentions it to me.

"No." Levi shakes his head. "I pretended I had to ask him something about Mom."

I wish I could help them fix their situation-find a way to get them to talk to each other about what they think is truly important. They might realize they have a lot more in common if they did. Words are funny like that, though. They're hard to spit out, hard to let out of your head. Feels so much safer to keep them inside of you. It's that way for me, at least.

"Oh, hey, look at this." Levi puts a hand on my hip. I turn to see what he's looking at, his hand still firmly latched onto me. "It looks like your tattoo. Why'd you get an owl?" he asks.

Reaching out toward the owl figurine he's gesturing toward, I rub my finger over its bulging eyes, touch the bright colors of the feathers. He's right; it does look like my tatt. "I like owls."

"You're a liar. I mean, you might, but there's a reason. You're a thinker, Toby. You wouldn't have picked something to engrave into your skin unless it truly meant something to you."

Shaking my head, I make a move to pull away, but his grip on my side tightens. "You make it sound like you know me so well," I complain.

"I do."

"No you don't."

But really, maybe he does. He's pegged me here.

"I'm starting to," he says. "I think maybe I didn't pay enough attention before. I'm paying attention now. I've given you pieces of me, can't you give me something of you, too?"

His breath whispers across my skin. While one part of me is thinking, f.u.c.k yeah! Levi is interested in me! the other is telling me it's an incredible waste of time and to move the h.e.l.l on.

"Come on," he coaxes. "It's easier to learn who you are than to try to figure out who I am. I'm doing all this s.h.i.t I don't want to do, T. Talk to me about you. That's the only thing I really want right now."

My muscles go rigid and I ball my hands into fists. He's making this hard and I don't want it to be f.u.c.king hard. I want it to be easy. We had s.e.x, he bailed, the end. But then he came back. Most people don't come back. And maybe he's with me just for a weekend or because he doesn't want to focus on his own life, but he's here and sounds honest and raw, like every time he talks to me, he's bleeding for me. And because Levi has always seemed so invincible in the past, I have this strange urge to bleed for him, too, even when I've promised myself I'd never cut myself open for anyone.

"It's stupid," I say.

"And going to school for something you don't want, isn't? Come on, man. That's a bulls.h.i.t excuse and you know it."

He's right and it's just like Levi to call me out on it.

"Excuse me." A woman squeezes around us, heading toward the front of the store, leaving Levi and I alone in the back. His hand slides down, grips mine and pries my fingers open. I hadn't realized I was still making a fist until he touched me.

"Owls are smart," I tell him. "They represent wisdom. Who doesn't want wisdom to represent them?"

Levi's hand drops away. "f.u.c.k you, Toby. You said we're friends. That's all I'm trying to be. You can't even be real with me."

He takes one step. The need to have him back-to feel him close against me-is sudden and urgent. So now it's me who's reaching out and grabbing. Me demanding he stay close. It's not something I've ever done, not with anyone.

I look into his eyes and try to explain. "It's just...a lot of myths and stuff like that say that owls see the truth. They're spiritual mirrors, for lack of a better term. They're supposed to be able to show us what we fear."

"Ourselves..." His voice is soft. Our sleeves touch as we stand side by side, my hand still holding his wrist. We probably look crazy...or at least a little too intense about a display of f.u.c.king owl figures, but still, neither of us moves.

"Yep. The real us." Which is terrifying. Because what if you see your true self and you don't like what you see? Levi isn't the only person who's scared of who he is. For him, the scary s.h.i.t is that he feels like he doesn't know himself. For me, it's that I'm scared of what I could become.

"What else?" he asks. "There's more."

There is, and part of me is surprised he wants to know, but the other is excited to share it with him. "Owls are connected to the Greek G.o.ddess of knowledge and foresight. It's important to me that I pay attention, that I'm smart about people and my life, ya know? Owls are fascinating, really. They like to avoid the craziness in life. They'd rather be alone."

Levi chuckles quietly. "They'd rather be alone? Hmm...that sounds familiar. Except when you go out for a piece of a.s.s, at least. Other than that, it explains you perfectly."

Nudging him with my arm, I say, "Shut up." But he's right and I know it. "They're also known to be bad omens or a warning of death."

"Okay, so maybe it doesn't fully sound like you...you got an omen of death tattooed on your arm? That's morbid." His lips thin as they stretch into a smile.

"I'm a morbid guy. What can I say?" But yeah, I'm grinning, too. Before he thinks I'm being real, I say, "I'm kidding. That's just a fact about them. The death thing isn't why I got it."

"Didn't think it was," Levi replies. "Maybe I need to connect to my spirit mirror and it can tell me what in the f.u.c.k I'm doing with my life." Levi plucks the owl from the gla.s.s display. "Now I have a reminder of you when we're apart."

I look at him, pause, almost lose my s.h.i.t, and then burst out laughing as Levi does the same.

"I'm joking. I use that picture I took of you when you were naked for that. Awesome spank material."

We're both still laughing when we buy his owl and then leave the store.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE.

We eat lunch and then walk around a little more. We make our way from the pier and go to G.o.diva, before browsing the stands in a gra.s.sy area where people tell fortunes and sell handmade jewelry. I've loved San Francisco since my first day here. I feel the energy of the city in every part of me, currents of electricity pulsing in my muscle tissue, funneling as deep as the marrow in my bones.

When l applied for school, all I'd known was I wanted to be in a city, and I wanted decent queer and ethnic representation. That's all I'd cared about, but I think part of me had to have known this was the place for me, and today I'm wondering why I don't get out and enjoy the city like this more often. Usually I just go from school, to home, work, clubs, and that's it.

On the way back to my place, Levi doesn't try to get me to take the trolley again, so we jump on a bus and make the quick ride home. Xavier isn't there, but the apartment smells slightly like stale cigarettes so I open the sliding gla.s.s door to air it out.

Levi walks to the entertainment center and starts looking through Xavier's games. I watch him, wondering why he's still here and when he's planning on leaving. Not because I want him to go, but because he doesn't really have a reason to stay. Yesterday it was my birthday and then it was late when we got back. Today we hung out but now...what's his reason for staying?

"He cool if you play these?" Levi asks.

"Yeah." I shrug.

Levi pulls a game out, puts it in and then nods toward the grey loveseat. "Come on. I'll kick your a.s.s at Call of Duty."

We spend the next couple hours playing video games and eating chips and dip and red vines from this big-a.s.s container Xavier has on the coffee table.

"He's probably going to come home with the munchies and we ate all his stuff." I put a lid back on the red vines with only a few left in the container. "I'll buy him some more tomorrow."

Levi nods toward the window. "It's raining."

"It's always raining. We got lucky earlier today."

He still doesn't make a move to get up and leave. It doesn't escape my attention that I'm not asking him about what the h.e.l.l he's doing here. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I watch him run his finger over the seam of the couch, and it hits me that he's feeling insecure about something. That he doesn't want to leave. I don't think his feelings have to do with me. More like he's probably not happy about going back to school and what's been making him so insecure. Levi doesn't like to be insecure.

"Watch a movie with me, Levi."

He c.o.c.ks his head and looks at me like he's trying to see inside me. It reminds me of our conversation about the owl. I'm thinking a spiritual mirror would come in handy about now, because the reason why I'd want him here for more than just s.e.x is a mystery.

"Okay."

So we order pizza, enough for Xavier in case he gets back, and watch some cheesy horror flick.

It's dark by the time it's over, the only light in the room the glow of the TV. Levi asks, "Can I stay?"

It's the kind of thing I'd always dreamed of hearing him say to me. Everything about him right now, the way he asks the question, the expression in his eyes, should all be a dream come true. Still, for a second I consider saying no. And when I say a second, I mean it's really only a tiny blip in time before I'm saying, "Yes."