A Duet, with an Occasional Chorus Part 22

'I thought you were a very good tennis-player.'

'Anything else?'

'And you talked nicely.'

'Did I? I never felt such a stick in my life. I was as nervous as a cat.'

'That was so delightful. I do hate people who are very cool and a.s.sured. I saw that you were disturbed, and I even thought--'

'Yes?'

'Well, I thought that perhaps it was I who disturbed you.'

'And you liked me?'

'I was very interested in you.'

'Well, that is the blessed miracle which I can never get over. You, with your beauty, and your grace, and your rich father, and every young man at your feet, and I, a fellow with neither good looks, nor learning, nor prospects, nor--'

'Be quiet, sir! Yes, you shall! Now?'

'By Jove, there IS old Mrs. Potter at the window! We've done it this time. Let us get back to serious conversation again.'

'How did we leave it?'

'It was that hog, I believe. And then Mr. Beeton. But where does the hog come in? Why should you weep over him? And what are the Lady's Observations on the Common Hog?'

'Read them for yourself.'

Frank read out aloud: '"The hog belongs to the order Mammalia, the genus sus scrofa, and the species pachydermata, or thick-skinned.

Its generic characters are a long, flexible snout, forty-two teeth, cloven feet, furnished with four toes, and a tail, which is small, short, and twisted, while, in some varieties, this appendage is altogether wanting." --But what on earth has all this to do with housekeeping?'

'That's what _I_ want to know. It is so disheartening to have to remember such things. What does it matter if the hog HAS forty-two toes. And yet, if Mrs. Beeton knew it, one feels that one ought to know it also. If once I began to skip, there would be no end to it.

But it really is such a splendid book in other ways. It doesn't matter what you want, you will find it here. Take the index anywhere. Cream. If you want cream, it's all there. Croup. If you want--I mean, if you don't want croup, it will teach you how not to get it. Crumpets--all about them. Crullers--I'm sure you don't know what a cruller is, Frank.'

'No, I don't.'

'Neither do I. But I could look it up and learn. Here it is-- paragraph 2847. It is a sort of pancake, you see. That's how you learn things.'

Frank Crosse took the book and dropped it. It fell with a sulky thud upon the floor.

'Nothing that it can teach you, dear, can ever make up to me if it makes you cry, and bothers you.--You bloated, pedantic thing!' he cried, in sudden fury, aiming a kick at the squat volume. 'It is to you I owe all those sad, tired looks which I have seen upon my wife's face. I know my enemy now. You pompous, fussy old humbug, I'll kick the red cover off you!'

But Maude s.n.a.t.c.hed it up, and gathered it to her bosom. 'No, no, Frank, I don't know what I should do without it. You have no idea what a wise old book it is. Now, sit there on the footstool at my feet, and I will read to you.'

'Do, dear; it's delightful.'

'Sit quiet, then, and be good. Now listen to this pearl of wisdom: "As with the commander of an army, so it is with the mistress of a house. Her spirit will be seen through the whole establishment, and, just in proportion as she performs her duties thoroughly, so will her domestics follow in her path."'

'From which it follows,' said her husband, 'that Jemima must be a perfect paragon.'

'On the contrary, it explains all Jemima's shortcomings. Listen to this: "Early rising is one of the most essential qualities. When a mistress is an early riser, it is almost certain that her house will be orderly and well managed."'

'Well, you are down at nine--what more do you want?'

'At nine! I am sure that Mrs. Beeton was always up at six.'

'I have my doubts about Mrs. B. Methinks the lady doth protest too much. I should not be very much surprised to learn that she had breakfast in bed every morning.'

'O Frank! You have no reverence for anything.'

'Let us have some more wisdom.'

'"Frugality and Economy are home virtues without which no household can prosper. Dr. Johnson says, 'Frugality may be termed--'"

'Oh, bother Dr. Johnson! Who cares for a man's opinion. Now, if it had been Mrs. Johnson--!'

'Johnson kept house for himself for years--and a queer job he made of it.'

'So I should think.' Maude tossed her pretty curls. 'Mrs. Beeton is all right, but I will not be lectured by Dr. Johnson. Where was I?

Oh yes--"'We must always remember that to manage a little well, is a great merit in housekeeping."'

'Hurrah! Down with the second vegetable! No pudding on fish days.

Vive la biere de Pilsen!'

'What a noisy boy you are!'

'This book excites me. Anything more?'

"Friendships should not be hastily formed, nor the heart given at once to every newcomer--"'

'Well, I should hope not! Don't let me catch you at it! You don't mind my cigarette? Has Mrs. Beeton a paragraph about smoking in bedrooms?'

'Such an enormity never occurred to her as a remote possibility. If she had known you, dear, she would have had to write an appendix to her book to meet all the new problems which you would suggest. Shall I go on?'

'Please do!'

'She next treats conversation. "In conversation, trifling occurrences such as small disappointments, petty annoyances, and other everyday incidents, should never be mentioned to friends. If the mistress be a wife, never let a word in connection with her husband's failings pa.s.s her lips--"'

'By Jove, this book has more wisdom to the square inch than any work of man,' cried Frank, in enthusiasm.

'I thought that would please you. "Good temper should be cultivated by every mistress, as upon it the welfare of the household may be said to turn."'

'Excellent!'

'"In starting a household, it is always best in the long-run to get the very best articles of their kind."'

'That is why I got you, Maude.'