A Collection of College Words and Customs Part 48

"Of the cortege itself, the pencil of a Hogarth only could give an adequate idea. The valorous Colonel Brick was of course the centre of all eyes. He was fitly supported by his two aids. The three were in elegant uniforms, were handsomely mounted, rode well and with gallant bearing, and presented a particularly attractive appearance.

"Behind them appeared a scarlet robe, surmounted by a white wig of Brobdinagian dimensions and spectacles to match, which it is supposed contained in the interior the physical system of the Reverendissimus Boanerges Diogenes Lanternarius, Chaplain, the whole mounted upon the vertebrae of a solemn-looking donkey.

"The representative of the Church Militant was properly backed up by the Flying Artillery. Their banner announced that they were 'for the reduction of Sebastopol,' and it is safe to say that they will certainly take that fortress, if they get a chance. If the Russians hold out against those four ghostly steeds, tandem, with their bandy-legged and kettle-stomached riders,--that gun, so strikingly like a joint of old stove-pipe in its exterior, but which upon occasion could vomit forth your real smoke and sound and smell of unmistakable brimstone,--and those slashed and blood-stained artillerymen,--they will do more than anybody did on Wednesday.

"The T.L.N. Horn-et Band, with Sackbut, Psaltery, Dulcimer, and Shawm, Tanglang, Locofodeon, and Hugag, marched next. They reserved their efforts for special occasions, when they woke the echoes with strains of altogether unearthly music, composed for them expressly by Saufylur, the eminent self-taught New Zealand composer.

"Barnum's Baby-Show, on four wheels, in charge of the great showman himself, aided by that experienced nurse, Mrs. Gamp, in somewhat dilapidated attire, followed. The babies, from a span long to an indefinite length, of all shapes and sizes, black, white, and snuff-colored, twins, triplets, quartettes, and quincunxes, in calico and sackcloth, and in a state of nature, filled the vehicle, and were hung about it by the leg or neck or middle. A half-starved quadruped of osseous and slightly equine appearance drew the concern, and the shrieking axles drowned the cries of the innocents.

"Mr. Joseph Hiss and Mrs. Patterson of Ma.s.sachusetts were not absent. Joseph's rubicund complexion, bra.s.sy and distinctly Know-Nothing look, and nasal organ well developed by his experience on the olfactory committee, were just what might have been expected. The 'make up' of Mrs. P., a bright brunette, was capital, and she looked the woman, if not the lady, to perfection.

The two appeared in a handsome livery buggy, paid for, we suppose, by the State of Ma.s.sachusetts.

"A wagon-load of two or three tattered and desperate looking individuals, labelled 'Recruits for the Crimea,' with a generous supply of old iron and brick-bats as material of war, was dragged along by the frame and most of the skin of what was once a horse.

"Towards the rear, but by no means least in consequence or in the amount of attention attracted, was the army hospital, drawn by two staid and well-fed oxen. In front appeared the snowy locks and 'fair round belly, with good _cotton_ lined' of the worthy Dr.

Esculapius Liverwort Tarand Cantchuget-urlegawa Opodeldoc, while by his side his a.s.sistant sawbones brayed in a huge iron mortar, with a weighty pestle, much noise, and indefatigable zeal, the drugs and dye-stuffs. Thigh-bones, shoulder-blades, vertebrae, and even skulls, hanging round the establishment, testified to the numerous and successful amputations performed by the skilful surgeon.

"Noticeable among the cavalry were Don Quixote de la U.V.M., Knight of the patent-leather gaiters, terrible in his bright rectangular cuira.s.s of tin (once a tea-chest), and his glittering harpoon; his doughty squire, Sancho Panza; and a dashing young lady, whose tasteful riding-dress of black cambric, wealth of embroidered skirts and undersleeves, and bold riding, took not a little attention.

"Of the rank and file on foot it is useless to attempt a description. Beards of awful size, moustaches of every shade and length under a foot, phizzes of all colors and contortions, four-story hats with sky-sc.r.a.ping feathers, costumes ring-streaked, speckled, monstrous, and incredible, made up the motley crew. There was a Northern emigrant just returned from Kansas, with garments torn and water-soaked, and but half cleaned of the adhesive tar and feathers, watched closely by a burly Missourian, with any quant.i.ty of hair and fire-arms and bowie-knives. There were Rev. Antoinette Brown, and Neal Dow; there was a darky whose banner proclaimed his faith in Stowe and Seward and Parker, an aboriginal from the prairies, an ancient minstrel with a modern fiddle, and a modern minstrel with an ancient hurdy- gurdy. All these and more. Each man was a study in himself, and to all, Falstaff's description of his recruits would apply:--

"'My whole charge consists of corporals, lieutenants, gentlemen of companies, slaves as ragged as Lazarus in the painted cloth, where the glutton's dogs licked his sores; the cankers of a calm world and a long peace; ten times more dishonorable ragged than an old-faced ancient: and such have I, that you would think I had a hundred and fifty tattered prodigals lately come from swine-keeping, from eating draff and husks. A mad fellow met me on the way and told me I had unloaded all the gibbets and pressed the dead bodies. No eye hath seen such scarecrows.'

"The proceedings on the review were exciting. After the calling of the roll, the idol of his regiment, Col. Martin Van Buren Brick, discharged an eloquent and touching speech.

"From the report of Dr. Opodeldoc, which was thirty-six feet in length, we can of course give but a few extracts. He commenced by informing the Invincibles that his cures the year past had been more astounding than ever, and that his fame would continue to grow brighter and brighter, until eclipsed by the advent of some younger Dr. Esculapius Liverwort Tar Cant-ye-get-your-leg-away Opodeldoc, who in after years would shoot up like a meteor and reproduce his father's greatness; and went on as follows:--

"'The first academic that appeared after the last report was the _desideratum graduatere_, or graduating fever. Twenty-seven were taken down. Symptoms, morality in the head,--dignity in the walk, --hints about graduating,--remarkable tendency to swell,--literary movement of the superior and inferior maxillary bones, &c., &c. Strictures on bleeding were first applied; then treating h.o.m.oeopathically _similis similibus_, applied roots extracted, roots Latin and Greek, infinitesimal extracts of calculus, mathematical formulas, psychological inductions, &c., &c. No avail. Finally applied huge sheep-skin plasters under the axilla, with a composition of printers' ink, paste, paper, ribbons, and writing-ink besmeared thereon, and all were despatched in one short day.

"'Soph.o.m.ore Exhibition furnished many cases. One man hit by a Soph-bug, drove eye down into stomach, carrying with it brains and all inside of the head. In order to draw them back to their proper place, your Surgeon caused a leaf from Barnum's Autobiography to be placed on patient's head, thinking that to contain more true, genuine _suction_ than anything yet discovered.

"'Nebraska _cancers_ have appeared in our ranks, especially in Missouri division. Surgeon recommends 385 eighty-pounders be loaded to the muzzle, first with blank cartridges,--to wit, Frank Pierce and Stephen A. Douglas, Free-Soil sermons, Fern Leaves, Hot Corn, together with all the fancy literature of the day,--and cause the same to be fired upon the disputed territory; this would cause all the breakings out to be removed, and drive off everybody.'

"The close of the report was as follows. It affected many even to tears.

"'May you all remember your Surgeon, and may your thoracic duck ever continue to sail peacefully down the common carrotted arteries, under the keystone of the arch of the aorta, and not rush madly into the abominable cavity and eclipse the semi-lunar dandelions, nor, still worse, play the d.i.c.kens with the pneumogastric nerve and auxiliary artery, reverse the doododen, upset the flamingo, irritate the _high-old-glossus_, and be for ever lost in the receptaculum chyli. No, no, but, &c. Yours feelingly,

'Dr. E.L.T.C.O., M.D.'

"Dr. O., we notice, has added a new branch, that of dentistry, to his former accomplishments. By his new system, his customers are not obliged to undergo the pain of the operations in person, but, by merely sending their heads to him, can have everything done with a great decrease of trouble. From a calf's head thus sent in, the Doctor, after cutting the gums with a hay-cutter, and filing between the teeth with a wood-saw, skilfully extracted with a pair of blacksmith tongs a very great number of molars and incisors.

"Miss Lucy Amazonia Crura Longa Lignea, thirteen feet high, and Mr. Rattleshanks Don Skyphax, a swain a foot taller, advanced from the ranks, and were made one by the chaplain. The bride promised to own the groom, but _protested_ formally against his custody of her person, property, and progeny. The groom pledged himself to mend the unmentionables of his spouse, or to resign his own when required to rock the cradle, and spank the babies. He placed no ring upon her finger, but instead transferred his whiskers to her face, when the chaplain p.r.o.nounced them 'wife and man,' and the happy pair stalked off, their heads on a level with the second-story windows.

"Music from the Keeseville Band who were present followed; the flying artillery fired another salute; the fife and drums struck up; and the Invincibles took their winding way to the University, where they were disbanded in good season."

JUNIOR. One in the third year of his collegiate course in an American college, formerly called JUNIOR SOPHISTER.

See SOPHISTER.

2. One in the first year of his course at a theological seminary.

--_Webster_.

JUNIOR. Noting the third year of the collegiate course in American colleges, or the first year in the theological seminaries.--_Webster_.

JUNIOR APPOINTMENTS. At Yale College, there appears yearly, in the papers conducted by the students, a burlesque imitation of the regular appointments of the Junior exhibition. These mock appointments are generally of a satirical nature, referring to peculiarities of habits, character, or manners. The following, taken from some of the Yale newspapers, may be considered as specimens of the subjects usually a.s.signed. Philosophical Oration, given to one distinguished for a certain peculiarity, subject, "The Advantage of a Great Breadth of Base." Latin Oration, to a vain person, subject, "Amor Sui." Dissertations: to a meddling person, subject, "The Busybody"; to a poor punster, subject, "Diseased Razors"; to a poor scholar, subject, "Flunk on,--flunk ever." Colloquy, to a joker whose wit was not estimated, subject, "Unappreciated Facetiousness." When a play upon names is attempted, the subject "Perfect Looseness" is a.s.signed to Mr.

Slack; Mr. Barnes discourses upon "_Stability_ of character, or pull down and build greater"; Mr. Todd treats upon "The Student's Manual," and incentives to action are presented, based on the line "Lives of great men all remind us,"

by students who rejoice in the Christian names, George Washington, Patrick Henry, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson, Charles James Fox, and Henry Clay.

See MOCK PART.

JUNIOR BACHELOR. One who is in his first year after taking the degree of Bachelor of Arts.

No _Junior Bachelor_ shall continue in the College after the commencement in the Summer vacation.--_Laws of Harv. Coll._, 1798, p. 19.

JUNIOR FELLOW. At Oxford, one who stands upon the foundation of the college to which he belongs, and is an aspirant for academic emoluments.--_De Quincey_.

2. At Trinity College, Hartford, a Junior Fellow is one chosen by the House of Convocation to be a member of the examining committee for three years. Junior Fellows must have attained the M.A.

degree, and can only be voted for by Masters in Arts. Six Junior Fellows are elected every three years.

JUNIOR FRESHMAN. The name of the first of the four cla.s.ses into which undergraduates are divided at Trinity College, Dublin.

JUNIOR OPTIME. At the University of Cambridge, Eng., those who occupy the third rank in honors, at the close of the final examination in the Senate-House, are called _Junior Optimes_.

The third cla.s.s, or that of _Junior Optimes_, is usually about at numerous as the first [that of the Wranglers], but its limits are more extensive, varying from twenty-five to sixty. A majority of the Cla.s.sical men are in it; the rest of its contents are those who have broken down before the examination from ill-health or laziness, and choose the Junior Optime as an easier pa.s.s degree under their circ.u.mstances than the Poll, and those who break down in the examination; among these last may be sometimes found an expectant Wrangler.--_Bristed's Five Years in an Eng. Univ._, Ed.

2d p. 228.

The word is frequently abbreviated.

Two years ago he got up enough of his low subjects to go on among the _Junior Ops._--_Ibid._, p. 53.

There are only two mathematical papers, and these consist almost entirely of high questions; what a _Junior Op._ or low Senior Op.

can do in them amounts to nothing.--_Ibid._, p. 286.

JUNIOR SOPHISTER. At the University of Cambridge, Eng., a student in the second year of his residence is called Junior Soph or Sophister.

2. In some American colleges, a member of the Junior Cla.s.s, i.e.

of the third year, was formerly designated a Junior Sophister.

See SOPHISTER.