A Budget of Paradoxes Volume II Part 9

"_Hewn on the stone_, 'at the mouth of the Sepulchre,' is his name,--Robert Cottle, born at Bristol, June 2, 1774; died at Kirkstall Lodge, Clapham Park, May 6, 1858. _And that day_ (May 12, 1858) _was the preparation_ (day and year for 'the PREPARED place for you'--Cottleites---by the widowed mother of the Father's house, at Kirkstall Lodge--John xiv. 2, 3). _And the Sabbath_ (Christmas Day, Dec. 25, 1859) _drew on_ (for the resurrection of the Christian body on 'the third [Protestant Sun]-day'--1 Cor. xv. 35).

_Why seek ye the living_ (G.o.d of the New Jerusalem--Heb. xii. 22; Rev. iii.

12) _among the dead_ (men): _he_ (the G.o.d of Jesus) _is not here_ (in the grave), _but is risen_ (in the person of the Holy Ghost, from the supper of 'the dead in the second death' of Paganism). _Remember how he spake unto you_ (in the church of the Rev. George Clayton,[197] April 14, 1839). _I will not drink henceforth_ (at this last Cottle supper) _of the fruit of this_ (Trinity) _vine, until that day_ (Christmas Day, 1859), _when I_ (Elizabeth Cottle) _drink it new with you_ (Cottleites) _in my Father's kingdom_--John xv. _If this_ (Trinitarian) _cup may not pa.s.s away from me_ (Elizabeth Cottle, April 14, 1839), _except I drink it_ ('new with you Cottleites, in my Father's Kingdom'), _thy will be done_--Matt. xxvi. 29, 42, 64. 'Our Father which art (G.o.d) in Heaven,' _hallowed be thy name, thy_ (Cottle) _kingdom_ {99} _come, thy will be done in earth, as it is_ (done) _in_ (the new) _Heaven_ (and new earth of the new name of Cottle--Rev. xxi.

1; iii. 12).

"... Queen Elizabeth, from A.D. 1558 to 1566. _And this_ WORD _yet once more_ (by a second Elizabeth--the WORD of his oath) _signifieth_ (at John Scott's baptism of the Holy Ghost) _the removing of those things_ (those G.o.ds and those doctrines) _that are made_ (according to the Creeds and Commandments of men) _that those things_ (in the moral law of G.o.d) _which cannot be shaken_ (as a rule of faith and practice) _may remain, wherefore we receiving_ (from Elizabeth) _a kingdom_ (of G.o.d,) _which cannot be moved_ (by Satan) _let us have grace_ (in his Grace of Canterbury) _whereby we may serve G.o.d acceptably_ (with the acceptable sacrifice of Elizabeth's body and blood of the communion of the Holy Ghost) _with reverence_ (for truth) _and G.o.dly fear_ (of the unpardonable sin of blasphemy against the Holy Ghost) _for our G.o.d_ (the Holy Ghost) _is a consuming fire_ (to the nation that will not serve him in the Cottle Church). We cannot defend ourselves against the Almighty, and if He is our defence, no nation can invade us.

"In verse 4 the Church of St. Peter is _in prison between four quaternions of soldiers_--the Holy Alliance of 1815. Rev. vii. i. Elizabeth, _the Angel of the Lord_ Jesus _appears_ to the Jewish and Christian body with _the vision_ of prophecy to the Rev. Geo. Clayton and his clerical brethren, April 8th, 1839. _Rhoda_ was the name of her maid at Putney Terrace who used _to open the door to her Peter_, the Rev. Robert Ashton,[198] the Pastor of 'the little flock' 'of 120 names together, a.s.sembled in an upper (school) room' at Putney Chapel, to which little flock she gave the revelation (Acts. i. 13, 15) _of Jesus the same_ King of the Jews _yesterday_ at the prayer meeting, Dec. 31, 1841, _and to-day_, {100} Jan.

1, 1842, _and for ever_. See book of Life, page 24. Matt. xviii. 19, xxi.

13-16. In verse 6 the Italian body of St. Peter _is sleeping_ 'in the second death' _between the two_ Imperial _soldiers_ of France and Austria.

The Emperor of France from Jan. 1, to July 11, 1859, causes the Italian _chains of St. Peter to fall off from his_ Imperial _hands_.

"_I say unto thee_, Robert Ashton, _thou art Peter_, a stone, _and upon this rock_, of truth, _will I_ Elizabeth, the angel of Jesus, _build my_ Cottle _Church, and the gates of h.e.l.l_, the doors of St. Peter, at Rome, shall not prevail against it--Matt. xvi. 18. Rev. iii. 7-12."

This will be enough for the purpose. When any one who pleases can circulate new revelations of this kind, uninterrupted and unattended to, new revelations will cease to be a good investment of excentricity. I take it for granted that the gentlemen whose names are mentioned have nothing to do with the circulars or their doctrines. Any lady who may happen to be intrusted with a revelation may nominate her own pastor, or any other clergyman, one of her apostles; and it is difficult to say to what court the nominees can appeal to get the commission abrogated.

_March 16, 1865._ During the last two years the circulars have continued.

It is hinted that funds are low: and two gentlemen who are represented as gone "to Bethlehem asylum in despair" say that Mrs. Cottle "will spend all that she hath, while Her Majesty's Ministers are flourishing on the wages of sin." The following is perhaps one of the most remarkable pa.s.sages in the whole:

"_Extol and magnify Him_ (Jehovah, the Everlasting G.o.d, see the Magnificat and Luke i. 45, 46--68--73--79), _that rideth_ (by rail and steam over land and sea, from his holy habitation at Kirkstall Lodge, Psa. lxxvii. 19, 20), _upon the_ (Cottle) _heavens, as it were_ (Sept. 9, 1864, see pages 21, 170), _upon an_ (exercising, Psa. cx.x.xi. 1), _horse_-(chair, bought of Mr.

John Ward, Leicester-square)." {101}

I have pretty good evidence that there is a clergyman who thinks Mrs.

Cottle a very sensible woman.

[_The Cottle Church._ Had I chanced to light upon it at the time of writing, I should certainly have given the following. A printed letter to the _Western Times_, by Mr. Robert Cottle, was accompanied by a ma.n.u.script letter from Mrs. Cottle, apparently a circular. The date was Nov^{r}. 1853, and the subject was the procedure against Mr. Maurice[199] at King's College for doubting that G.o.d would punish human sins by an existence of torture lasting through years numbered by millions of millions of millions of millions (repeat the word _millions_ without end,) etc. The memory of Mr. Cottle has, I think, a right to the quotation: he seems to have been no partic.i.p.ator in the notions of his wife:

"The clergy of the Established Church, taken at the round number of 20,000, may, in their first estate, be likened to 20,000 gold blanks, destined to become sovereigns, in succession,--they are placed between the matrix of the Mint, when, by the pressure of the screw, they receive the impress that fits them to become part of the current coin of the realm. In a way somewhat a.n.a.logous this great body of the clergy have each pa.s.sed through the crucibles of Oxford and Cambridge,--have been a.s.sayed by the Bishop's chaplain, touching the health of their souls, and the validity of their call by the Divine Spirit, and then the gentle pressure of a prelate's hand upon their heads; and the words--'Receive the Holy Ghost,' have, in a brief s.p.a.ce of time, wrought a {102} change in them, much akin to the miracle of transubstantiation--the priests are completed, and they become the current ecclesiastical coin of our country. The whole body of clergy, here spoken of, have undergone the preliminary induction of baptism and confirmation; and all have been duly ordained, _professing_ to hold one faith, and to believe in the selfsame doctrines! In short, to be as identical as the 20,000 sovereigns, if compared one with the other. But mind is not malleable and ductile, like gold; and all the preparations of tests, creeds, and catechisms will not insure uniformity of belief. No stamp of orthodoxy will produce the same impress on the minds of different men.

Variety is manifest, and patent, upon everything mental and material. The Almighty has not created, nor man fashioned, two things alike! How futile, then, is the attempt to shape and mould man's apprehension of divine truth by one fallible standard of man's invention! If proof of this be required, an appeal might be made to history and the experience of eighteen hundred years."

This is an argument of force against the reasonableness of expecting tens of thousands of educated readers of the New Testament to find the doctrine above described in it. The lady's argument against the doctrine itself is very striking. Speaking of an outcry on this matter among the Dissenters against one of their body, who was the son of "the White Stone (Rev. ii.

17), or the Roman cement-maker," she says--

"If the doctrine for which they so wickedly fight were true, what would become of the black gentlemen for whose redemption I have been sacrificed from April 8 1839."

There are certainly very curious points about this revelation. There have been many surmises about the final restoration of the infernal spirits, from the earliest ages of Christianity until our own day: a collection of them would be worth making. On reading this in proof, I see a possibility that by "black gentlemen" may be meant the clergy: {103} I suppose my first interpretation must have been suggested by context: I leave the point to the reader's sagacity.]

JAMES SMITH, ARCH-PARADOXER.

The Problem of squaring the circle solved; or, the circ.u.mference and area of the circle discovered. By James Smith.[200] London, 1859, 8vo.

On the relations of a square inscribed in a circle. Read at the British a.s.sociation, Sept. 1859, published in the Liverpool Courier, Oct. 8, 1859, and reprinted in broadsheet.

The question: Are there any commensurable relations between a circle and other Geometrical figures? Answered by a member of the British a.s.sociation ... London, 1860, 8vo.--[This has been translated into French by M. Armand Grange, Bordeaux, 1863, 8vo.]

The Quadrature of the Circle. Correspondence between an eminent mathematician and James Smith, Esq. (Member of the Mersey Docks and Harbour Board), London, 1861, 8vo. (pp. 200).

Letter to the ... British a.s.sociation ... by James Smith, Esq.

Liverpool, 1861, 8vo.

Letter to the ... British a.s.sociation ... by James Smith, Esq.

Liverpool, 1862, 8vo.--[These letters the author promised to continue.]

A Nut to crack for the readers of Professor De Morgan's 'Budget of Paradoxes.' By James Smith, Esq. Liverpool, 1863, 8vo.

Paper read at the Liverpool Literary and Philosophical Society, reported in the Liverpool Daily Courier, Jan. 26, 1864. Reprinted as a pamphlet.

The Quadrature of the circle, or the true ratio between the diameter and circ.u.mference geometrically and mathematically demonstrated. By James Smith, Esq. Liverpool, 1865, 8vo.

{104}

[On the relations between the dimensions and distances of the Sun, Moon, and Earth; a paper read before the Literary and Philosophical Society of Liverpool, Jan. 25, 1864. By James Smith, Esq.

The British a.s.sociation in Jeopardy, and Dr. Whewell, the Master of Trinity, in the stocks without hope of escape. Printed for the authors (J. S. confessed, and also hidden under _Nauticus_). (No date, 1865).

The British a.s.sociation in Jeopardy, and Professor De Morgan in the Pillory without hope of escape. London, 1866, 8vo.]

When my work appeared in numbers, I had not anything like an adequate idea of Mr. James Smith's superiority to the rest of the world in the points in which he is superior. He is beyond a doubt the ablest head at unreasoning, and the greatest hand at writing it, of all who have tried in our day to attach their names to an error. Common cyclometers sink into puny orthodoxy by his side.

The behavior of this singular character induces me to pay him the compliment which Achilles paid Hector, to drag him round the walls again and again. He was treated with unusual notice and in the most gentle manner. The unnamed mathematician, E. M. bestowed a volume of mild correspondence upon him; Rowan Hamilton[201] quietly proved him wrong in a way accessible to an ordinary schoolboy; Whewell,[202] as we shall see, gave him the means of seeing himself wrong, even more easily than by Hamilton's method. Nothing would do; it was small kick and silly fling at all; and he exposed his conceit by alleging that he, James Smith, had placed Whewell in the stocks. He will therefore be universally p.r.o.nounced a proper object of the severest literary punishment: but the opinion of all who can put two propositions together will be that of the many strokes I have given, the hardest and most telling are my republications of his own attempts to reason.

He will come out of my hands in the position he ought {105} to hold, the Supreme Pontiff of cyclometers, the vicegerent of St. Vitus upon earth, the Mamamouchi of burlesque on inference. I begin with a review of him which appeared in the _Athenaeum_ of May 11, 1861. Mr. Smith says I wrote it: this I neither affirm nor deny; to do either would be a sin against the editorial system elsewhere described. Many persons tell me they know me by my style; let them form a guess: I can only say that many have declared as above while fastening on me something which I had never seen nor heard of.

The Quadrature of the Circle: Correspondence between an Eminent Mathematician and James Smith, Esq. (Edinburgh, Oliver & Boyd; London, Simpkin, Marshall & Co.)

"A few weeks ago we were in perpetual motion. We did not then suppose that anything would tempt us on a circle-squaring expedition: but the circ.u.mstances of the book above named have a peculiarity which induces us to give it a few words.

"Mr. James Smith, a gentleman residing near Liverpool, was some years ago seized with the _morbus cyclometricus_.[203] The symptoms soon took a defined form: his circ.u.mference shrank into exactly 3-1/8 times his diameter, instead of close to 3-16/113, which the mathematician knows to be so near to truth that the error is hardly at the rate of a foot in 2,000 miles. This shrinking of the circ.u.mference remained until it became absolutely necessary that it should be examined by the British a.s.sociation.

This body, which as Mr. James Smith found to his sorrow, has some interest in 'jealously guarding the mysteries of their profession,' refused at first to entertain the question. On this Mr. Smith changed his 'tactics' and the name of his paper, and smuggled in the subject under the form of 'The Relations of a Circle inscribed in a Square'! The paper was thus forced upon the a.s.sociation, for Mr. Smith informs us that he {106} 'gave the Section to understand that he was not the man that would permit even the British a.s.sociation to trifle with him.' In other words, the a.s.sociation bore with and were bored with the paper, as the shortest way out of the matter. Mr. Smith also circulated a pamphlet. Some kind-hearted man, who did not know the disorder as well as we do, and who appears in Mr. Smith's handsome octavo as E. M.--the initials of 'eminent mathematician'--wrote to him and offered to show him in a page that he was all wrong. Mr. Smith thereupon opened a correspondence, which is the bulk of the volume. When the correspondence was far advanced, Mr. Smith announced his intention to publish. His benevolent instructor--we mean in intention--protested against the publication, saying 'I do not wish to be gibbeted to the world as having been foolish enough to enter upon what I feel now to have been a ridiculous enterprise.'

"For this Mr. Smith cared nothing: he persisted in the publication, and the book is before us. Mr. Smith has had so much grace as to conceal his kind adviser's name under E. M., that is to say, he has divided the wrong among all who may be suspected of having attempted so hopeless a task as that of putting a little sense into his head. He has violated the decencies of private life. Against the will of the kind-hearted man who undertook his case, he has published letters which were intended for no other purpose than to clear his poor head of a hopeless delusion. He deserves the severest castigation; and he will get it: his abuse of confidence will stick by him all his days. Not that he has done his benefactor--in intention, again--any harm. The patience with which E. M. put the blunders into intelligible form, and the perseverance with which he tried to find a cranny-hole for common reasoning to get in at, are more than respectable: they are admirable. It is, we can a.s.sure E. M., a good thing that the nature of the circle-squarer should be so completely exposed as in this volume. The benefit which he intended Mr. James Smith may be {107} conferred upon others. And we should very much like to know his name, and if agreeable to him, to publish it. As to Mr. James Smith, we can only say this: he is not mad. Madmen reason rightly upon wrong premises: Mr. Smith reasons wrongly upon no premises at all.

"E. M. very soon found out that, to all appearance, Mr. Smith got a circle of 3-1/8 times the diameter by making it the supposition to set out with that there was such a circle; and then finding certain consequences which, so it happened, were not inconsistent with the supposition on which they were made. Error is sometimes self-consistent. However, E. M., to be quite sure of his ground, wrote a short letter, stating what he took to be Mr.

Smith's hypothesis, containing the following: 'On AC as diameter, describe the circle D, which by hypothesis shall be equal to three and one-eighth times the length of AC.... I beg, before proceeding further, to ask whether I have rightly stated your argument.' To which Mr. Smith replied: 'You have stated my argument with perfect accuracy.' Still E. M. went on, and we could not help, after the above, taking these letters as the initials of Everlasting Mercy. At last, however, when Mr. Smith flatly denied that the area of the circle lies between those of the inscribed and circ.u.mscribed polygons, E. M. was fairly beaten, and gave up the task. Mr. Smith was left to write his preface, to talk about the certain victory of truth--which, oddly enough, is the consolation of all hopelessly mistaken men; to compare himself with Galileo; and to expose to the world the perverse behavior of the Astronomer Royal, on whom he wanted to fasten a conversation, and who replied, 'It would be a waste of time, Sir, to listen to anything you could have to say on such a subject.'

"Having thus disposed of Mr. James Smith, we proceed to a few remarks on the subject: it is one which a journal would never originate, but which is rendered necessary from time to time by the attempts of the autopseustic to become {108} heteropseustic. To the mathematician we have nothing to say: the question is, what kind of a.s.surance can be given to the world at large that the wicked mathematicians are not acting in concert to keep down their superior, Mr. James Smith, the current Galileo of the quadrature of the circle.

"Let us first observe that this question does not stand alone: independently of the millions of similar problems which exist in higher mathematics, the finding of the diagonal of a square has just the same difficulty, namely, the entrance of a pair of lines of which one cannot be definitely expressed by means of the other. We will show the reader who is up to the multiplication-table how he may go on, on, on, ever nearer, never there, in finding the diagonal of a square from the side.

"Write down the following rows of figures, and more, if you like, in the way described:

1 2 5 12 29 70 169 408 985 1 3 7 17 41 99 239 577 1393

After the second, each number is made up of double the last increased by the last but one: thus, 5 is 1 more than twice 2, 12 is 2 more than twice 5, 239 is 41 more than twice 99. Now, take out two adjacent numbers from the upper line, and the one below the first from the lower: as