59 Seconds_ Think A Little, Change A Lot Part 5

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I tend to bounce back from failed love affairs quite easily.

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Scoring This type of questionnaire measures the three main kinds of loving styles. Based on concepts first proposed by the famous Greek philosopher Plato, these are commonly referred to by psychologists as Eros (Greek for "desire"), Ludus ("game playing"), and Storge ("affection"). To calculate your score for each style, add your scores together for the following statements.

Statements 1, 2, and 3 = Eros Statements 4, 5, and 6 = Storge Statements 7, 8, and 9 = Ludus The highest of the three scores indicates your main loving style.Eros: These lovers have very strong ideas about the type of physical and psychological characteristics that they desire in a partner. When they encounter a match, they frequently experience love at first sight and, all being well, engage in an emotionally intense relationship. Such relationships tend to survive for a few years but often falter as the love of their life changes over time and no longer matches their strict criteria. When this happens, the pa.s.sionate Eros lover again sets off in search of the perfect soul mate. Extroverted and giving, pa.s.sionate lovers feel secure in their relationships and are willing to be emotionally close to others. They tend to become infatuated during the initial stages of any relationship, and while in the grip of pa.s.sionate love would not dream of infidelity. These lovers have very strong ideas about the type of physical and psychological characteristics that they desire in a partner. When they encounter a match, they frequently experience love at first sight and, all being well, engage in an emotionally intense relationship. Such relationships tend to survive for a few years but often falter as the love of their life changes over time and no longer matches their strict criteria. When this happens, the pa.s.sionate Eros lover again sets off in search of the perfect soul mate. Extroverted and giving, pa.s.sionate lovers feel secure in their relationships and are willing to be emotionally close to others. They tend to become infatuated during the initial stages of any relationship, and while in the grip of pa.s.sionate love would not dream of infidelity.Storge: These lovers value trust over l.u.s.t. Instead of having a perfect partner in mind, they slowly develop a network of friends in the hope that affection will transform into deep commitment and love. Once committed, they are intensely loyal and supportive, and tend to form only one or two long-term romantic relationship(s) throughout their life. Highly altruistic and trusting, they have often been brought up in a large family and feel comfortable with the idea of depending on others for support. These lovers value trust over l.u.s.t. Instead of having a perfect partner in mind, they slowly develop a network of friends in the hope that affection will transform into deep commitment and love. Once committed, they are intensely loyal and supportive, and tend to form only one or two long-term romantic relationship(s) throughout their life. Highly altruistic and trusting, they have often been brought up in a large family and feel comfortable with the idea of depending on others for support.Ludus: These lovers have no ideal type in mind but are instead happy to play the field. They strive for novelty and thrills, are uncomfortable with commitment, and quickly move from one short-term relationship to another. Summed up by the expression "They like the face they face," roving lovers enjoy the thrill of the chase and display little in the way of loyalty or commitment. More neurotic and self-conscious than most, they have little sympathy for the feelings of others. They are risk takers whose loving style is often driven by a fear of being abandoned by a partner-a situation that they avoid by not getting too close to anyone. These lovers have no ideal type in mind but are instead happy to play the field. They strive for novelty and thrills, are uncomfortable with commitment, and quickly move from one short-term relationship to another. Summed up by the expression "They like the face they face," roving lovers enjoy the thrill of the chase and display little in the way of loyalty or commitment. More neurotic and self-conscious than most, they have little sympathy for the feelings of others. They are risk takers whose loving style is often driven by a fear of being abandoned by a partner-a situation that they avoid by not getting too close to anyone.

THE SCIENCE OF SPEED DATING.

Speed dating is not complicated. During the course of an evening you meet a series of complete strangers face-to-face. Each encounter lasts just a few minutes, during which you have to decide whether you ever want to see your "date" again. Apparently invented in the late 1990s by an American rabbi as a way to help Jewish singles find partners, the idea rapidly spread from one community to another, and now it represents one of the most popular ways of meeting potential soul mates. But what is the best way of using these vital few moments (three minutes or less) to impress a possible love of your life? Subtly mention your Ferrari? Bare your soul and hope for the best? According to the latest research into the mysteries of attraction, it's more about pizza toppings, mirroring, avoiding spread betting, and modesty.

A few years ago I teamed up with fellow psychologists James Houran and Caroline Watt to examine the best chat-up lines when speed dating.13 We a.s.sembled fifty single men and fifty single women, randomly paired them, and asked the pairs to spend three minutes chatting. We then told everyone to make quick notes about the lines they had used to impress one another, rate their potential beau for attractiveness, and then try again with another person. To uncover the best chat-up lines, we compared the conversations of partic.i.p.ants rated as very desirable by their dates with those seen as especially undesirable. We a.s.sembled fifty single men and fifty single women, randomly paired them, and asked the pairs to spend three minutes chatting. We then told everyone to make quick notes about the lines they had used to impress one another, rate their potential beau for attractiveness, and then try again with another person. To uncover the best chat-up lines, we compared the conversations of partic.i.p.ants rated as very desirable by their dates with those seen as especially undesirable.

Those who obtained few dates from the evening tended to employ old standards like "Do you come here often?" or struggled to impress with comments like "I have a Ph.D. in computing." Those more skilled in seduction encouraged their dates to talk about themselves in a fun and offbeat way, with the top-rated male's best line being "If you were on a hit show, who would you be?" while the top-rated female asked, "If you were a pizza topping, what would you be?" These types of lines are successful because at a speed-dating event people frequently feel that they are trapped in Groundhog Day, having the same conversation again and again. Getting people to open up and talk about themselves in a creative, funny, and unusual way promotes a sense of closeness and attraction.

In addition, there is the small matter of "monkey see, monkey do." Research shows that we all have an unconscious tendency to mimic others. Without realizing it, we copy the facial expressions, posture, and speech patterns of the people we meet. Most psychologists think that such mimicry aids communication by helping people think and feel the same way. However, the degree to which a person mirrors our own behaviors also has a surprisingly large influence on how we feel about that person.

The power of this effect was beautifully ill.u.s.trated in a simple but elegant study by Dutch psychologist Rick van Baaren and his colleagues at the University of Nijmegen.14 The research team descended on a small restaurant and asked a waitress to help them. After showing customers to their table, the waitress was to take their order in one of two ways. Half of the time she was to politely listen and be generally positive by using phrases such as "Okay" and "Coming right up." The other half of the time she was to repeat the order to the customers. Repeating the order proved to have a remarkable effect on the tips that customers left when they finished their meal. The research team descended on a small restaurant and asked a waitress to help them. After showing customers to their table, the waitress was to take their order in one of two ways. Half of the time she was to politely listen and be generally positive by using phrases such as "Okay" and "Coming right up." The other half of the time she was to repeat the order to the customers. Repeating the order proved to have a remarkable effect on the tips that customers left when they finished their meal.

Those who had heard their own words repeated left tips that were 70 percent larger than those left by the "polite and positive" group. Another study conducted by the same team showed that mimicry also affects the degree to which we find others attractive.15 In that experiment an individual posing as a marketing researcher stopped people on the street and asked whether they would be kind enough to take part in a survey. Half of the time the experimenter un.o.btrusively copied the person's posture and gestures as they answered the questions, and half of the time the researcher behaved normally. When questioned later, the first group subjected to the mirroring reported feeling a much closer emotional bond with the experimenter yet had no idea that their own behavior was being copied. The message here is that to convince people that the chemistry is right, you should mirror their movements. Lean forward when they lean forward, cross your legs when they cross theirs, hold your hands in the same position as they do. Without their realizing it, these small but important movements will help make the object of your affections feel that you share that certain-as the French say-"Je ne sais quoi." In that experiment an individual posing as a marketing researcher stopped people on the street and asked whether they would be kind enough to take part in a survey. Half of the time the experimenter un.o.btrusively copied the person's posture and gestures as they answered the questions, and half of the time the researcher behaved normally. When questioned later, the first group subjected to the mirroring reported feeling a much closer emotional bond with the experimenter yet had no idea that their own behavior was being copied. The message here is that to convince people that the chemistry is right, you should mirror their movements. Lean forward when they lean forward, cross your legs when they cross theirs, hold your hands in the same position as they do. Without their realizing it, these small but important movements will help make the object of your affections feel that you share that certain-as the French say-"Je ne sais quoi."

So is a successful speed date simply about pizza toppings and mirroring? No. Other research suggests that it is also about being selective. A few years ago, Paul Eastwick and his colleagues at Northwestern University staged a series of experimental speed-dating sessions involving more than 150 students.16 After each date the students were asked to rate how attractive they found their partner. The results revealed that people who reported finding a large number of daters desirable tended to be rated as undesirable by others. You might think that this finding was caused by a small group of especially ugly people trying to increase their chances of success by ticking the "yes" box for everyone they met. First, I can't believe that you would be so judgmental, and second, according to the data you would be wrong. The researchers had a group of people rate all of the partic.i.p.ants for attractiveness and examined the speed-dating data from the attractive and unattractive people separately. The "if you want to meet lots of people, then I don't want to meet you" pattern emerged in both groups, proving that the original effect was not the outcome from a group of ugly, desperate partic.i.p.ants. Instead, it seems that the speed-dating equivalent of spread betting can be picked up by daters within moments and is a big turnoff. In general, liking lots of others usually means that people will like you. In a more romantic context, however, potential dates want to feel special. Research suggests that they are especially skilled at detecting those who are simply out to meet as many people as possible. After each date the students were asked to rate how attractive they found their partner. The results revealed that people who reported finding a large number of daters desirable tended to be rated as undesirable by others. You might think that this finding was caused by a small group of especially ugly people trying to increase their chances of success by ticking the "yes" box for everyone they met. First, I can't believe that you would be so judgmental, and second, according to the data you would be wrong. The researchers had a group of people rate all of the partic.i.p.ants for attractiveness and examined the speed-dating data from the attractive and unattractive people separately. The "if you want to meet lots of people, then I don't want to meet you" pattern emerged in both groups, proving that the original effect was not the outcome from a group of ugly, desperate partic.i.p.ants. Instead, it seems that the speed-dating equivalent of spread betting can be picked up by daters within moments and is a big turnoff. In general, liking lots of others usually means that people will like you. In a more romantic context, however, potential dates want to feel special. Research suggests that they are especially skilled at detecting those who are simply out to meet as many people as possible.

Finally, a word of warning for men: be careful not to fall into the "too good to be true" trap. Psychologist Simon Chu at the University of Central Lancashire and his colleagues asked a group of women to look at photographs and brief descriptions of sixty men and rate their attractiveness as possible long-term partners.17 As part of the description, the researchers systematically varied the men's alleged jobs, deliberately choosing careers that implied either high ("company director"), medium ("travel agent"), or low ("waiter") status. Overall, the good-looking men were rated as more attractive than others. Likewise, those in high-status jobs were generally seen as more desirable than those with smaller paychecks. No great surprise there. However, the important finding was that good-looking men in high-status jobs were seen as relatively unattractive long-term propositions. Chu and his colleagues argue that women might well avoid these types of men because they are likely to prove attractive to many other women and so might be especially likely to be unfaithful. The findings suggest that for speed dating, if you are a good-looking guy, have a great job, a huge bank balance, and a lavish lifestyle, and you are looking for a long-term partner, you should keep at least some of your a.s.sets under wraps. As part of the description, the researchers systematically varied the men's alleged jobs, deliberately choosing careers that implied either high ("company director"), medium ("travel agent"), or low ("waiter") status. Overall, the good-looking men were rated as more attractive than others. Likewise, those in high-status jobs were generally seen as more desirable than those with smaller paychecks. No great surprise there. However, the important finding was that good-looking men in high-status jobs were seen as relatively unattractive long-term propositions. Chu and his colleagues argue that women might well avoid these types of men because they are likely to prove attractive to many other women and so might be especially likely to be unfaithful. The findings suggest that for speed dating, if you are a good-looking guy, have a great job, a huge bank balance, and a lavish lifestyle, and you are looking for a long-term partner, you should keep at least some of your a.s.sets under wraps.

IN 59 SECONDS.

In speed dating you have only moments to impress. So to make best use of the short time available, think of lines that get the other person to talk about themselves in a creative, fun, and unusual way. Mimic (within reason) the way they sit, how they use their hands, their speech patterns, their facial expressions. Avoid spread betting. Rather than check the "yes, I would like to see you again" box for lots of people in the hope of obtaining the maximum number of dates, focus on the one or two people who appear to generate genuine chemistry. Finally, some advice specifically for men from Simon Chu's research: if you are good-looking and highly successful, remember that for many your looks and status might make you fall into the "too good to be true" category. a.s.suming that adding a prosthetic scar or two is out of the question, be prepared to downplay your successes. Of course, for everyone else, the theory represents a great way of coping with rejection-if one person after another turns you down, convince yourself that you are too d.a.m.n attractive and successful for your own good.

s.e.x AND SPORTWhen attempting to impress women, men often make a special effort to present themselves as especially caring and altruistic creatures. However, research suggests that they may have it all wrong.18 When women were asked to indicate the traits that they found most desirable in friends, short-term partners, and long-term partners, most placed kindness high on their shopping list. However, each and every time it was trumped by bravery. It seems that when it comes to love, women value courage and a willingness to take risks over kindness and altruism. So instead of men making a special effort to woo women by describing their tireless work for charity, they should perhaps consider mentioning their love of skydiving, the importance of standing up for what you think is right, and following your heart no matter where it leads. When women were asked to indicate the traits that they found most desirable in friends, short-term partners, and long-term partners, most placed kindness high on their shopping list. However, each and every time it was trumped by bravery. It seems that when it comes to love, women value courage and a willingness to take risks over kindness and altruism. So instead of men making a special effort to woo women by describing their tireless work for charity, they should perhaps consider mentioning their love of skydiving, the importance of standing up for what you think is right, and following your heart no matter where it leads.This bravery effect emerged in an online survey that I conducted with fitness expert Sam Murphy to explore the relationship between sport and attraction. Are men more impressed by women who play soccer or climb mountains? Do women go for bodybuilders or yoga fanatics?More than six thousand people reported which sporting activities would make a member of the opposite s.e.x more attractive. Results revealed that 57 percent of women found climbing attractive, making it the s.e.xiest sport from a female perspective. This was closely followed by extreme sports (56 percent), soccer (52 percent), and hiking (51 percent). At the bottom of the list came aerobics and golf, with just 9 percent and 13 percent of the vote, respectively.In contrast, men were most attracted to women who did aerobics (70 percent), followed by those who took yoga (65 percent), and those who went to the gym (64 percent). At the bottom of their list came golf (18 percent), rugby (6 percent), and bodybuilding (5 percent).Women's choices appeared to reflect the type of psychological qualities that they find attractive, such as bravery and a willingness to take on challenges, while men appeared to be looking for a woman who was physically fit without appearing muscle-bound. No one, it seemed, was attracted to golfers.

HOW TO CONSTRUCT THE PERFECT FIRST DATE.

In 1975 Senator William Proxmire created the Golden Fleece award to highlight instances wherein the U.S. government had, in the senator's opinion, frittered away public money on frivolous causes. Proxmire gave his first award to the National Science Foundation for supporting a study on why people fall in love, noting, "I believe that 200 million Americans want to leave some things in life a mystery, and right at the top of the list of things we don't want to know is why a man falls in love with a woman, and vice versa." Fortunately, his opinion was not widely shared in the academic community, and over the years psychologists have investigated many aspects of love and attraction. Some of the most intriguing work examines the psychology lurking behind that all-important initial encounter.

First dates can be a tad tricky. Where is the best place for a romantic encounter? What should you talk about? Should you appear really enthusiastic from the very start or play hard to get? Worry not. Help is at hand. During the past thirty years researchers have tackled these questions and uncovered several quick and easy techniques designed to help Cupid's arrow find its target.

Let us first consider the th.o.r.n.y issue of where best to take a potential partner. You might think that a quiet restaurant or a walk in the countryside are both good bets. According to research conducted by psychologists Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron,19 however, you would be way off the mark. Prior to their research, several experiments had already confirmed what poets had long suspected: when people find someone attractive, their hearts beat faster. Dutton and Aron thought that the opposite could also be true. In other words, people whose hearts are beating faster might be more likely to find someone attractive. however, you would be way off the mark. Prior to their research, several experiments had already confirmed what poets had long suspected: when people find someone attractive, their hearts beat faster. Dutton and Aron thought that the opposite could also be true. In other words, people whose hearts are beating faster might be more likely to find someone attractive.

To find out if this was the case, they arranged for a female experimenter to approach men on one of two very different bridges across the Capilano River in British Columbia. One bridge was swaying precariously in the wind about two hundred feet above the rocks, while the other was much lower and far more solid. After asking a few simple survey questions, the experimenter offered the men her telephone number in case they would like to find out more about her work. Those crossing the precarious bridge had higher heart rates than those on the lower bridge. When approached by the young woman, they unconsciously attributed their increased heart rate to her rather than to the bridge, fooled themselves into thinking that they found her particularly attractive, and were far more likely to make a special effort to call her.

Of course, it is one thing to obtain this effect with strangers on bridges, but does it work with real couples in a more realistic setting? A few years ago psychologists Cindy Meston and Penny Frohlich at the University of Texas decided to find out.20 They visited two large theme parks in Texas and waited near several roller coasters, armed with little more than a clipboard and photographs of an average-looking man and woman. They interviewed romantically involved couples a few moments before or after the couples had scared themselves silly on the ride. The researchers asked them to a.s.sign a number between one and seven to indicate how attractive they found both the person that they were with and the people in the photographs. The experimenters antic.i.p.ated that those who had finished the ride would have higher heart rates than those preparing for it and, according to the "heart beating faster, person attractive" theory, would give higher attractiveness ratings. They visited two large theme parks in Texas and waited near several roller coasters, armed with little more than a clipboard and photographs of an average-looking man and woman. They interviewed romantically involved couples a few moments before or after the couples had scared themselves silly on the ride. The researchers asked them to a.s.sign a number between one and seven to indicate how attractive they found both the person that they were with and the people in the photographs. The experimenters antic.i.p.ated that those who had finished the ride would have higher heart rates than those preparing for it and, according to the "heart beating faster, person attractive" theory, would give higher attractiveness ratings.

Describing their findings in a paper t.i.tled "Love at First Fright," the researchers admitted that only some of their predictions were supported. Those rating the photographs after the ride did find the people in the pictures significantly more attractive than those waiting in line did. However, a different pattern emerged when it came to people rating one another: people found the person they were with slightly less attractive after the ride. When speculating about why this might be the case, the researchers wondered whether these ratings may have been influenced by the potential embarra.s.sment of their partner's finding out that they had just been given a lower than expected attractiveness rating ("You gave me a one?"). They also considered the possibility that people may look less attractive after a roller-coaster ride because of "sweating, messy hair, and post-anxiety expressions." However, similar work, examining whether a similar effect occurs when couples watch exciting films, has provided more clear-cut evidence in support of the theory that we take cues from our own physiology when deciding how attractive we find others.21 Researchers secretly observed couples leaving different kinds of films and discovered that those who had just seen a suspense thriller were especially likely to be holding hands and touching each other. Researchers secretly observed couples leaving different kinds of films and discovered that those who had just seen a suspense thriller were especially likely to be holding hands and touching each other.

Of course, the perfect date is not just about getting your heartbeat racing. There is also the important issue of what you say and when you say it.

A few years ago psychologist Arthur Aron (he of the two bridges) and his colleagues also examined whether it was possible to place people on the fast track to attraction by getting them to chat about certain topics.22 Obviously, the more couples get to know each other, the more likely they are to disclose personal information. Aron and his team wondered whether the reverse was also true-namely, could the act of disclosing personal information to another person make you feel especially close to that person? Obviously, the more couples get to know each other, the more likely they are to disclose personal information. Aron and his team wondered whether the reverse was also true-namely, could the act of disclosing personal information to another person make you feel especially close to that person?

The work involved people who didn't know each other being paired and instructed to chat about increasingly private aspects of their lives. By asking each other a series of preset questions, each couple was given forty-five minutes to play the "sharing game." The list started with normal conversational openings frequently used at dinner parties ("If you could meet anyone in history, who would it be?"), then quickly moved into "drunk with a close friend" territory ("Do you have a hunch about how, and when, you are going to die?"), before finally getting into "young couple trying to be intimate" land ("When did you last cry in front of someone?").

Aron knew that chatting about any subject might promote closeness, so he had other pairs of strangers work their way through a control list of small-talk questions ("What are the advantages and disadvantages of artificial Christmas trees?" "Do you prefer digital clocks or the kind with hands?"). At the end of the sessions, each pair was asked to rate how attractive they found each other. Perhaps not surprisingly, the pairs who had been made to chat about Christmas trees and clocks did not feel that they had developed that all-important sense of chemistry. In contrast, those who had played the sharing game developed the type of intimacy that usually takes months or years to achieve. In fact, the researchers noticed several partic.i.p.ants exchanging telephone numbers after the end of the study.

So, when it comes to that all-important first date, go somewhere scary and don't be afraid of intimate conversation. Common sense says that your date may find you a tad strange. Science suggests that you will be irresistible.

IN 59 SECONDS.

Beat Fast, My Still Heart To help promote the chances of a successful date, choose an activity that is likely to get the heart racing. Avoid slow-moving cla.s.sical music concerts, countryside walks, and wind chimes. Instead, look toward suspense-filled films, theme parks, and cycle rides. The theory is that your date will attribute a racing heart to you rather than to the activity, and so convince themselves that you have that special something.

The Sharing Game When it comes to playing the sharing game, it is a case of taking one step at a time. However, providing that each stage seems appropriate, research suggests that disclosing personal information about yourself and encouraging your date to do the same can significantly speed up those all-important feelings of intimacy. Here are ten questions based on items from Aron's sharing game to help the process: 1. Imagine hosting the perfect dinner party. You can invite anyone who has ever lived. Whom would you ask?

2. When did you last talk to yourself?

3. Name two ways in which you consider yourself lucky.

4. Name something that you have always wanted to do and explain why you haven't done it yet.

5. Imagine that your house or apartment catches fire. You can save only one object. What would it be?

6. Describe one of the happiest days of your life.

7. Imagine that you are going to become a close friend with your date. What is the most important thing for him or her to know about you?

8. Tell your date two things that you really like about him or her.

9. Describe one of the most embarra.s.sing moments in your life.

10. Describe a personal problem, and ask your date's advice on how best to handle it.

SIX QUICK TIPS FOR DATINGReflected Glory. Research shows that women rate a man as more attractive after they've seen another woman smiling at him or having a good time in his company.23 So if you want to impress women in a bar or at a party, ask a good female friend to come along and openly laugh at your jokes, then have her quietly slip away. And swear her to secrecy. So if you want to impress women in a bar or at a party, ask a good female friend to come along and openly laugh at your jokes, then have her quietly slip away. And swear her to secrecy.Your Eyes Are Bigger Than Your Stomach. Evolutionary psychologists believe that hungry men should show a preference for bigger women because their size suggests access to food. To test this idea, researchers asked male students entering or leaving a university dining hall to rate the attractiveness of full-length photographs of women of different sizes.24 Hungry students rated the heavier women as more desirable. So if you are female, traditionally built, and interested in a guy, suggest going for that all-important drink before a meal, not after. Or try meeting a couple of hours before eating and then insist he have only a light salad. Hungry students rated the heavier women as more desirable. So if you are female, traditionally built, and interested in a guy, suggest going for that all-important drink before a meal, not after. Or try meeting a couple of hours before eating and then insist he have only a light salad.Disagree, Then Agree. You might think that constant praise and head nodding is the way to a person's heart. However, research suggests that this may not be true. People tend to be more attracted to those who start off lukewarm and then become more positive toward the end of the date.25 So instead of rushing in at a hundred smiles an hour from the very start of the evening, try playing slightly hard to get for the first hour or so and then turn on the charm later. Also, rather than chatting about things that you both like, talk about things that you both dislike. Describing their work in the snappily t.i.tled paper "Interpersonal Chemistry Through Negativity: Bonding by Sharing Negative Att.i.tudes About Others," Jennifer Bosson and her colleagues at the University of South Florida discovered that people feel closer to each other when they agree about dislikes rather than likes. So instead of rushing in at a hundred smiles an hour from the very start of the evening, try playing slightly hard to get for the first hour or so and then turn on the charm later. Also, rather than chatting about things that you both like, talk about things that you both dislike. Describing their work in the snappily t.i.tled paper "Interpersonal Chemistry Through Negativity: Bonding by Sharing Negative Att.i.tudes About Others," Jennifer Bosson and her colleagues at the University of South Florida discovered that people feel closer to each other when they agree about dislikes rather than likes.26Fake a Genuine Smile. More than a century ago, scientists discovered that although authentic smiles and fake smiles both involve the sides of the mouth being pulled up, only a genuine smile causes crinkling around the eyes. More recent research has started to explore the subtle science of smiling, including trying to identify the signals that make a smile appear especially flirtatious. Initial work suggests that smiles that take longer to spread over a person's face (more than half a second) are seen as very attractive, especially when accompanied with a slight head tilt toward a partner.27Love or l.u.s.t. Gian Gonzaga and his colleagues videotaped couples talking about their first date and then asked them to rate whether the discussion was more a.s.sociated with love or l.u.s.t.28 When the couples decided it was about the joys of love, the tape showed they leaned toward each other, nodded, and smiled. But when they thought about l.u.s.t, they were more likely to stick out their tongues and lick their lips. So if you want to know what your date has on his or her mind, look for these key signals. Whereas nodding and smiling might signal liking and possible love, the occasional licking of the lips suggests that it might be your lucky night. When the couples decided it was about the joys of love, the tape showed they leaned toward each other, nodded, and smiled. But when they thought about l.u.s.t, they were more likely to stick out their tongues and lick their lips. So if you want to know what your date has on his or her mind, look for these key signals. Whereas nodding and smiling might signal liking and possible love, the occasional licking of the lips suggests that it might be your lucky night.Previous Partners. It is always a tricky moment on any date. You are getting on well, and then the issue of previous relationships rears its ugly head. Suddenly a whole series of questions runs through your mind: is it better to pretend to be picky and suggest that you have had only one or two s.e.xual partners? Alternatively, should you appear more experienced and go with a much larger number of lovers? According to work conducted by Doug Kenrick at Arizona State University, it is all a question of balance.29 Kenrick presented college students with profiles of people who had different numbers of partners and had them rate each person's desirability. The results revealed that for women, increasing a man's number of previous partners from zero to two made them more desirable, but anything over two was seen as unattractive. In contrast, for men, women became more and more desirable as their number of previous partners increased from zero to four, but anything over that was a turnoff. Kenrick presented college students with profiles of people who had different numbers of partners and had them rate each person's desirability. The results revealed that for women, increasing a man's number of previous partners from zero to two made them more desirable, but anything over two was seen as unattractive. In contrast, for men, women became more and more desirable as their number of previous partners increased from zero to four, but anything over that was a turnoff.

relationships The perils perils of "active listening," of "active listening,"

why Velcro can help couples stick together stick together, words speak speak louder than actions, and louder than actions, and a single photograph photograph can make can make all the difference

ACCORDING TO SOME EXPERTS, the bedrock of successful marital relationships involves a form of interaction that has come to be labeled "active listening." This style of communication involves partners' paraphrasing each other's statements of feelings, and then attempting to empathize with each other. Imagine, for example, that during a counseling session, a wife explains that she is furious with her husband because he regularly gets drunk, comes home smelling of alcohol, and sits in front of the television late. According to the tenets of active listening, the husband would put his wife's concerns into his own words and then try his very best to understand why she feels so angry with him. This intuitively pleasing technique is very popular and has given rise to the phrase "I hear what you are saying. ..." But is active listening really essential to successful relationships, or is this yet another mind myth?

In the 1990s psychologist and world-renowned expert on marital stability John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington were eager to find out, so they conducted a lengthy and elaborate study.1 They recruited more than a hundred newlywed couples, invited them to the lab, and asked them to sit in front of a camera and chat for fifteen minutes about a topic of ongoing disagreement. The research team then examined every second of the footage, a.n.a.lyzing each comment. Over the next six years, the experimenters periodically contacted the couples to find out if they were still together and, if so, how happy they were in their relationship. They recruited more than a hundred newlywed couples, invited them to the lab, and asked them to sit in front of a camera and chat for fifteen minutes about a topic of ongoing disagreement. The research team then examined every second of the footage, a.n.a.lyzing each comment. Over the next six years, the experimenters periodically contacted the couples to find out if they were still together and, if so, how happy they were in their relationship.

To test the effectiveness of active listening, they looked at every instance when one person on the film expressed any negative emotion or comment, such as "I am unhappy with your behavior" or "I can't stand the way you talk to my parents." The team recorded how the partner responded, looking for the types of comments a.s.sociated with active listening, such as paraphrases indicating understanding or empathy. By comparing the frequency of such comments from the conversations of couples who had stayed together with those who had divorced and those who were in happy and unhappy relationships, the team could scientifically evaluate the power of active listening.

Gottman and his team were surprised and shocked by their own findings. Instances of active listening were few and far between, and they didn't predict whether a couple would be successful and happy. According to the results of the study, active listening was unrelated to marital bliss.

Amazed by this outcome, the team turned to another set of videotapes for a second opinion. In a previous study they had followed a group of couples for thirteen years, and now they set about doing the same kind of a.n.a.lysis on those tapes. They found a similar pattern in the data, which suggested that even the most successful, long-term, and happy couples rarely engaged in anything that resembled active listening.

According to Gottman, trying to paraphrase and empathize with your partner when he or she is being critical is a bridge too far and requires a kind of "emotional gymnastics" that few can achieve. Although the team's conclusions proved controversial, especially with many relationship counselors who seemed wedded to the notion of active listening, other research also failed to provide evidence that active listening forms the cornerstone of a successful relationship.2 So if listening to and responding to a partner's comments is not the best way forward, what is? The Gottman study suggests that couples in long-term and happy heteros.e.xual relationships tend to exhibit a very particular pattern in times of conflict. The female usually raises a difficult issue, presents an a.n.a.lysis of the problem, and suggests some possible solutions. Males who are able to accept some of these ideas, and therefore show a sense of power sharing with their partner, are far more likely to maintain a successful relationship. In contrast, couples in which the males react by stonewalling, or even showing contempt, are especially likely to break up.

Teaching couples to change the way they respond to each other when the going gets tough is possible, but time-consuming and difficult. However, the good news is that there are several techniques that are surprisingly quick to learn and that can also help people live happily ever after. The only requirement is the ability to write a love letter, place a photograph above the fireplace, and turn back the hands of time to your very first date.

IN 59 SECONDS.

According to research conducted by John Gottman, the extent to which you know the minutiae of your partner's life is a good predictor of how long your relationship will last. The following fun quiz will help evaluate how well you and your partner know each other. You should answer the questions by trying to guess the answer that your partner will give. Your partner then tells you the actual answer, and you award yourself one point for each correct response. You then swap roles and repeat the process. Finally, add your two scores together, which will result in a total between 0 and 20.

QUESTION.

CORRECT?.

1. In general, which of the following types of film would your partner most enjoy?

Horror Comedy Action Drama 2. What was your partner's first job?

3. In general, which of the following types of sport would your partner most enjoy watching on TV? Football Baseball Basketball Auto Racing 4. Where was your partner born?

5. Which of the following cla.s.sic books would your partner most prefer to read?

Moby-d.i.c.k A Tale of Two Cities Pride and Prejudice Frankenstein 6. What is your partner's shirt-collar size (male) or dress size (female)?

7. In general, which of the following types of vacation would your partner most prefer? Beach Skiing Camping City 8. What is the first name of your partner's closest friend (excluding yourself)?

9. Which of the following world leaders would your partner most like to meet?

Adolf Hitler J. F. Kennedy Mahatma Gandhi Winston Churchill 10. What color are your partner's eyes?

THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDING.

In the late 1980s, researcher James Laird at Clark University in Ma.s.sachusetts and his colleagues advertised for people to take part in an experiment into the possible existence of extrasensory perception.3 Male and female partic.i.p.ants who didn't know each other were scheduled to arrive at the laboratory at the same time, and when they arrived they were taken through a rather unusual procedure. A researcher explained that it was important that the pair do a rapport-building exercise before taking the telepathy test, and they were asked to spend a few moments looking into each other's eyes. They were then taken to separate rooms, and one of them was presented with a series of simple pictures while the other tried "psychically" to guess the nature of the images. Male and female partic.i.p.ants who didn't know each other were scheduled to arrive at the laboratory at the same time, and when they arrived they were taken through a rather unusual procedure. A researcher explained that it was important that the pair do a rapport-building exercise before taking the telepathy test, and they were asked to spend a few moments looking into each other's eyes. They were then taken to separate rooms, and one of them was presented with a series of simple pictures while the other tried "psychically" to guess the nature of the images.

At the end of the study, Laird looked at his data and discovered no evidence for psychic powers. Was he disappointed? Not at all. In reality, the study had nothing to do with extrasensory perception. The alleged telepathy test was just an elaborate cover story that allowed the team to conduct a groundbreaking study of the psychology of love.

Many people believe that falling in love is a highly complex affair that depends on a complicated mixture of looks, personality, chemistry, and chance. However, Laird had other ideas. He wondered whether this unique and mysterious sensation might be much more straightforward than it first appeared, and whether it was possible to manufacture the feeling in just a few carefully engineered moments.

His hypothesis was simple. It was obvious from everyday life that couples in love spent a significant amount of time looking into each other's eyes. However, Laird wanted to know whether the reverse was also true. Would it be possible to create a feeling of love by having people spend a few moments gazing at each other?

Normally, gazing at strangers is, at best, perceived as peculiar, and at worst, aggressive. Because of this, Laird had to create an artificial but believable reason for prolonged eye contact, and so he eventually designed the telepathy-test cover story. Without realizing it, the partic.i.p.ants in his fake ESP experiment were made to look into each other's eyes and were therefore behaving as if they found each other attractive. Laird thought that this would be enough to kick-start feelings of love and affection.

After the fake telepathy study had ended, all of the partic.i.p.ants were asked to rate their amorous feelings toward their experimental partner. The data proved Laird right, with partic.i.p.ants reporting genuine feelings of affection and attraction for their newfound soul mate.

The study represents an approach to human behavior first advanced by one of the founding fathers of modern-day psychology, William James. According to James, not only do our thoughts and feelings affect the way we act, but the way we act influences our thoughts and feelings.

Laird is not alone in exploring ways in which this approach can help researchers better understand matters of the heart. Another study, carried out by Arthur Aron from the State University of New York at Stony Brook, and his colleagues from various other universities, suggests that the same type of approach can also help bring couples closer together.4 The start of any romantic relationship is usually a time of great excitement, with people enjoying the novelty of experiencing life with a new partner. Fast-forward twenty years and often a very different picture emerges. Now the couple know each other very well, and life has become far more routine-the same restaurants, the same vacation destinations, and the same conversations. Although familiarity can be comforting, it can also induce a sense of boredom and is unlikely to make hearts race the way they once did.

Aron wondered whether, in the same way that gazing into another person's eyes induces attraction, getting couples to experience the thrill of courtship could help them rekindle the romance in their relationship. Specifically, would getting them to break the monotony of married life by doing something new and fun result in their finding each other more attractive? In an initial study, Aron placed newspaper advertis.e.m.e.nts asking for couples who were willing to partic.i.p.ate in an experiment exploring the "factors that affect relationships."

When volunteers arrived at the lab, each couple completed a questionnaire about their relationship and was randomly a.s.signed to one of two groups. The experimenters then cleared away the tables and chairs, rolled out some gym mats, and started the next part of the study.

For half of the couples, the researchers produced a roll of Velcro tape and explained that they were about to take part in a game. If the couples' eyes lit up and they exchanged knowing glances, the researchers quickly put the Velcro away and asked them to leave. For everyone else, the team used the Velcro to secure one person's right wrist to the left wrist of their partner, and also to strap their right and left ankles together.

After resisting the temptation to hum Lionel Richie's "Stuck on You," the researchers placed a 3.3-foot-high foam obstacle in the middle of the room and handed each couple a large pillow. Each couple had to get on hands and knees, crawl up to the obstacle, climb over it, crawl to the other side of the room, turn around, scamper back to the obstacle, climb over it again, and return to their starting position. To make things a little more interesting, they were asked to support the pillow between their bodies at all times (no hands, arms, or teeth allowed), and had only sixty seconds to complete the course. So that no one finished disappointed, the research team removed partic.i.p.ants' watches ("We don't want them getting scratched during the frivolity") and pretended that everyone completed the task in the allotted time.

The couples in the other group were asked to do something far more mundane. One member of the couple was asked to get on hands and knees and told to roll a ball to a designated spot in the center of the room. Their partner was asked to watch from the side of the room and, when the ball made it to the spot, change places with their partner and roll the ball back to the starting position.

The experimenters a.s.sumed that the vast majority of couples did not usually spend very much time crawling over a large foam obstacle, and so the experience of the couples in the first group would be novel, fun, and relatively exciting. It was a chance for them to work together to achieve a goal and an opportunity to see each other from a new and unusual perspective. Conceptually speaking, it was like the type of experience that they used to have when they first met and life was much more exciting. In contrast, those in the second group were acting as a control, performing a task that was far more mundane and didn't involve any joint effort.

At the end of the experiment, all of the couples completed several questionnaires (including the rather unromantically named "Romantic Love Symptom Check List"), rating, for example, the degree to which their partner made them "tingle" and "burst with happiness." As predicted, the couples who had conquered the giant foam obstacle were far more loving toward one another than those who had completed the ball-rolling task. Just a few minutes of a new and fun joint activity appeared to have worked wonders.

Encouraged by these initial results, Aron and his team repeated the study, this time using another measure of marital satisfaction instead of the post-experiment questionnaire. At the end of the second study, the experimenters filmed each couple chatting about planning their next vacation or how they might make significant home improvements. Another set of researchers then watched the films and carefully counted every instance when one member of the couple demonstrated some form of hostility. The Velcro couples made significantly more positive comments than the ball rollers.

Aron's findings demonstrate yet another way in which our behavior exerts a powerful influence over how we think and feel. In the same way that gazing into the eyes of a complete stranger can induce feelings of mutual attraction, partic.i.p.ating in activities a.s.sociated with early courtship can help rekindle past pa.s.sions.

According to this work, any relationship can be helped along by a roll of Velcro tape, a large foam obstacle, and an open mind.

IN 59 SECONDS.

Aron's work suggests that long-term couples will feel more attracted to each other when they regularly engage in novel and exciting joint activities that involve working together to achieve a goal. This finding is supported by the results of several surveys showing that long-term couples who are happy in their relationships are more likely to take part in leisure activities that involve both partners and are relatively unpredictable, exciting, and active rather than pa.s.sive.

So regardless of whether it is playing a sport, amateur dramatics, rock climbing, visiting new places, learning a new dance, or traveling to novel vacation destinations, couples who face life's foam obstacles together stick together.

ROMANCE MADE SIMPLEI recently conducted a large-scale online survey examining the psychology of romantic gestures. Working with writer Rachel Armstrong, I produced a questionnaire containing descriptions of a wide variety of romantic gestures, including, for example, running your partner a relaxing bath after they have had a bad day at work, offering them your coat when they are cold, and whisking your partner away somewhere exciting for the weekend. More than 1,500 people from the United Kingdom and the United States completed the survey, and the results help reveal the secret psychology underlying romance. Women frequently complain that men are not the most romantic of creatures. But did the survey confirm their suspicions?Women were asked to look at the list and indicate how frequently their own partner had made each of the romantic gestures. The findings amounted to depressing reading. For example, 55 percent of women said that their partners had never run them a bath after a hard day at work, 45 percent had not been offered a coat when cold, and 53 percent had never been whisked away for an exciting weekend-objective evidence to support long-standing female complaints about unromantic men. But what might the underlying reason be for this poor showing?In another part of the survey, male respondents were asked to look at the list of romantic gestures and, using a 10-point scale, rate how romantic they thought a woman would find it if her partner carried out each of the gestures. In contrast, female respondents were asked to use the same scale to indicate how romantic they thought it would be if their partner carried out each of the romantic acts. The results revealed that men severely underestimate the romantic value of even the simplest act.For example, only 11 percent of men, compared with 25 percent of women, awarded the maximum score to the item "Tell her that she is the most wonderful woman that you have ever met." Likewise, 8 percent of men, but 22 percent of women, a.s.signed 10 out of 10 points to "run her a relaxing bath after she has had a bad day at work." The same pattern emerged with almost the entire list, suggesting that men's reluctance to carry out a romantic gesture or two may not stem from laziness or a lack of caring but from underestimating how romantic behavior is perceived by women.Finally, the survey findings also lent a helping hand to those men who wanted to engage in some heartfelt wooing, by identifying the gestures that women view as most, and least, romantic. The top-ten list of gestures is shown below, along with the percentage of women who a.s.signed each gesture maximum marks on the "how romantic is this" scale.

1. Cover her eyes and lead her to a lovely surprise-40 percent 2. Whisk her away somewhere exciting for the weekend-40 percent 3. Write a song or poem about her-28 percent 4. Tell her that she is the most wonderful woman that you have ever met-25 percent 5. Run her a relaxing bath after she has had a bad day at work-22 percent 6. Send her a romantic text or e-mail, or leave a note around the house-22 percent 7. Wake her up with breakfast in bed-22 percent 8. Offer her a coat when she is cold-18 percent 9. Send her a large bouquet of flowers or a box of chocolates at her workplace-16 percent 10. Make her a mix CD of her favorite music-12 percent Interestingly, it seems that gestures that reflect a form of escapism and surprise top the list, followed by those that reflect thoughtfulness, with blatant acts of materialism trailing in last place-scientific evidence, perhaps, that when it comes to romance, it really is the thought that counts.

FIVE TO ONE: WHEN WORDS SPEAK LOUDER THAN ACTIONS.