Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 142

BEER doesn't need much closet s.p.a.ce.

BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things.

BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive.

BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch.

BEER never changes its mind.

BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get.

BEER never asks you to change the station.

BEER doesn't make you go shopping.

BEER doesn't tell you to mow the gra.s.s.

BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.

BEER is always easy to pick up.

Big, fat BEERS are nice to have.

BEER doesn't pout or play games.

BEER NEVER says no.

BEER is easy to get into.

BEER never complains when you take it somewhere.

BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERS BEER doesn't wear a bra.

BEER doesn't mind getting dirty.

BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity.

BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper.

BEER doesn't live with its mother.

BEER doesn't blow you off.

BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.

BEER doesn't b.i.t.c.h, yell, or cry.

BEER doesn't mind football season.

A BEER won't make you go to church.

A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.

A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.

A BEER doesn't think DOS is p.r.o.nounced "dose".

A BEER doesn't care if you keep a bunch of other BEERS around.

A BEER will not insist that those stupid Michelin commercials with babies are "cute".

If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.

A BEER will not call you a s.e.xist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson".

A BEER won't mind being next to you after 5 straight hours of working on your car.

A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are s.h.i.theads.

A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up.

If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.

A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt.

A BEER won't smoke in your car.

A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.

A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission.

A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 2000 Olympic Games.

A BEER is always ready to leave on time.

A BEER never fishes for compliments.

Some BEERS (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous t.i.ts.

BEER tastes *good*.

If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape".

A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.

An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it.

A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store.

A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it.) A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"

A BEER won't accuse you of being a s.e.xist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".

A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like boiled sheetrock with tomatoe sauce.

When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill.

A BEER can't have a "bad hair" day.

12 Reasons why Swearing is better than s.e.x.

1. It's just as much fun by yourself.

2. If you split up with your partner, they wonA't spread malicious rumors about the size of your vocabulary.

3. It can be done in public.

4. The cops canA't trace you if you verbally abuse someone A usually.

5. A little one can be just as good as a big one.

6. No one gets jealous if you do it to a lot of people at the same time.

7. You wonA't be ridiculed if you do it to someone of the same s.e.x.

8. You can meet a stranger and have them doing it to you three seconds later.

9. It's much more acceptable at family reunions, Hopefully.

10. If it comes and goes quickly itA's not a bad thing.

11. If you lose it in your old age, you won't be disappointed.

12. No one spreads rumors about how easy you are to swear at.

20 lbs. Texas Baby.

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

WOW! From all and congratulations. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circ.u.mcised!"

5 Stages of Drunkedness.

Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pa.s.s on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and h.e.l.l, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.