Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 119

Moses at the Egyptian Ghetto.

Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the Pharaoh won't even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He's about ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: "YOU, MOSES, HEED ME. I HAVE GOOD NEWS, AND BAD NEWS."

Moses is staggered. The voice continues: "YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL FROM BONDAGE. IF THE PHARAOH REFUSES TO RELEASE YOUR BONDS I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A RAIN OF FROGS.

"YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE OF ISRAEL TO THE PROMISED LAND. IF THE PHARAOH BLOCKS YOUR WAY I WILL SMOTE EGYPT WITH A PLAGUE OF LOCUSTS.

"YOU, MOSES, WILL LEAD THE PEOPLE TO FREEDOM AND SAFETY. IF THE PHARAOH'S ARMY PURSUES YOU, I WILL PART THE WATERS OF THE RED SEA TO OPEN YOUR PATH TO THE PROMISED LAND."

Moses is stunned. He stammers, "That's, that's fantastic, I can't believe it! -- but... but, what's the bad news?"

"YOU, MOSES, MUST WRITE THE ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT STATEMENT."

Noah's Boat.

Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO s.e.x on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tips of your p.e.n.i.ses. All of you males, take off your d.i.c.ks and hand it to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get you d.i.c.ks back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet." "s.h.i.t!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sinister look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!!"

Nuns.

The head nun at the convent says, "I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk."

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And I found a used condom on my desk."

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."

She says, "And there was a huge tear in the condom."

One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go, "Heh, heh, heh."

Nuns Night Out.

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and ran off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "G.o.d forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

Parish Priest.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a ma.s.s for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Priest Gives Birth.

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"

"You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!"

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton.

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one s.p.a.ce left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones G.o.d ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakesit up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of G.o.d's own creations, she performs a disgusting hygiene act and gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a nice pair any day."

Religious Freak & the Atheist.

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.