Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 86

Vibrating.

While exploring their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.

"What's that for?" she asked her spouse.

"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "The bed starts vibrating,"

"Save your money, honey," she cooed. "A quarter in and I start vibrating, too."

Warming up Supper.

A young couple, married just a couple weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires "What's wrong Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast."

So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook."

Again, the husband smiles and says "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!"

So, off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride sliding down the banister of the stairs naked. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks "What the heck are you doing honey?"

To which the new bride replies "Warming up your supper!"

Wooden Leg.

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage, as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding day came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pa.s.s me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Worn Out.

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

25th Anniversary.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to screw your brains out, and suck your t.i.ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A new Pair of Boots.

A young man bought a new pairs of boots of which he was very proud so he decided to go dancing and give them a try.

After dancing with one lady for a few minutes he said, "I bet you I can guess the color of your panties."

"O.K.", she replied, "what color do you think they are?"

"Blue", he replied.

"How did you know that?" she asked?

"I saw the reflection in my shiny new boots", he said.

"Here," she said, "dance with my sister and tell me what color she has on".

After dancing a while the young man started rubbing he toes on his pant cuffs and started to dance again.

After a few minutes he ask the new lady, "What color panties do you have on, I can't seem to make them out."

To which she replied, "I don't have any panties on."

With a sigh of relief the young man said, "Oh good, for a minute I thought I had a crack in my new boots."

Certificate for her Birthday.

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything. Besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants so I'm stumped."

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great s.e.x any way she wants it? She'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy says, "Well, did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did," replies the fellow.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll be back in an hour.'"

Christmas Tree Dreams.

* Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband..."I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas, and our tree was decorated with all kinds of p.e.n.i.ses. White ones, black ones, circ.u.mcised and uncirc.u.mcised, big and small. And on the top of the tree was the 'perfect' p.e.n.i.s."