Jokes Book Collection Part Vi Part 33

SALESPEOPLE.

don't hunt Lions. They spend their time selling the Lions they haven't caught, for delivery two weeks before the season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for a Lion. Hardware salespeople catch Maine c.o.o.n kittens, paint them tawny and sell them as desktop Lions.

QUALITY a.s.sURANCE INSPECTORS.

ignore the Lions and look for mistakes the others made when they were parking the jeep.

CAT FANCIERS.

Don't hunt Lions but may attempt to breed them. However Lion-breeding strategy is affected by lack of CFA/TICA recognition of Lions and the fact that Lions don't fit into standard show-cages. Any hint of non-Lions in a 5 generation pedigree adversely affects recognition of Lions. Purists argue that any hint of non-tawny Lions (e.g. sporadic occurrence of White Lions, Dappled Lions) invalidates recognition. IRCA may already breed Genuine Lions in which case they will place advertis.e.m.e.nts which claim that Lions from other sources are half-bred or overbred lookalikes; there are rumours that they have already created the Leonoid, a cat which can be bred to any other cat and produce a Lion. Liberal-minded and progressive Lion-breeders attempt to extend the range of available Lions through outcrossing, resulting in Rex Lions (Li-Rex), Wirehair Lions, LaPerm Lions (LeoPerms), Sphynx Lions, Manx Lions (Li-Manx), Scottish Fold Lions, Spotted Lions, Colorpoint Lions (Liamese), Sepia Lions and calico Lions. Unfortunately most Lion-breeding experiments do not result in newly recognised Lion varieties, not because of genetic faults in the breeding stock, but because Lions view potential outcross mates, Lion-breeders and show judges as between-meals snacks. Miniature Lions (Lunchkins, Leo Tois, Leopuras) may solve this problem.

Real Ads.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 0 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined s.e.x.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December or while supplies last .

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $5.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to a.s.sist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to a.s.sume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $3.00.

And these beauties from the radio: Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Sat.u.r.day at 0 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of cla.s.sical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Reader's Can't Digest.

Pyaar Tune Kya Kiya.

In the song 'Mujhko Khuda Ne', Fardeen & Sonali do not pay for their balloons and ice-creams.

Jodi No.1.

Govinda and Sanjay Dutt board a blue train to Goa. But when the duo alight at Goa, the train is red in color.

Albela.

Govinda checks Ash into a hotel adn tells her to go to he room. She does, but without asking for her room number or her keys.

Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke.

Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai both plunge into a river,leaving behind their luggage. But in the next scene when they come out of water, the luggage is placed on the bench nearby.

Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke.

When Abhishek is in a train,he has a stubble. The next morning when he alights, he's clean shaven.Then within a span of few hours, he has a beard.

Har Dil Jo Pyaar Karega.

In the climax, Rani Mukherjee has green nail polish. Cut to the next scene where she meets Preity Zinta in a temple and her nail polish has changed to silver.

Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam.

Aishwarya Rai is shot in the neck by a foreigner. Yet, at the hospital she's seen with a bandage around her arm. There's no trace of any wound on her neck.

Baadshah.

Shah Rukh Khan enters the club with a two-day old stubble. But in the next sequence, he's clean shaven.

Taal.

When she's humiliated by Akshaye Khanna and Amrish Puri, Aishwarya Rai is wearing earrings. But when she comes out of Akshaye's house, the earrings are missing, only to reappear in the next frame. I guess she was in too much of a 'Ghai' to bother about such trivia.

Taal.

Akshaye Khanna breaks six gla.s.ses while arguing with his uncle but insists that he's broken seven of them.

Hum Aapke Dil Mein Rehte Hain.

Anil Kapoor is. .h.i.t on the head, stabbed in the back and attacked with a broken bottle in his stomach. And he's still kicking and alive.